Mon. Feb 18th, 2019

14 tips on convincing anti-vaxxers that they’re really horrible people

With the state of emergency declared in Washington due to an unprecedented outbreak of 40 measles cases, it has become clear that those who don’t vaccinate their kids (known as ‘anti-vaxxers’ because it sounds like a villain from Star Trek) are actually the worst people in the history of the world.

Even Hitler vaccinated his kids!

As proven by countless Facebook debates, it is actually possible to change these people’s minds. Here are the best 14 tactics to do so:

1. Use emotion!

The most powerful tool in convincing someone that they’re wrong, especially when it comes to something as personal as vaccinations is to express how sad you are that they hold the beliefs that they do. If possible, use all-caps and crying emojis.

2. Never directly answer their questions.

It might seem like anti-vaxxers have sincere questions, but it’s really just a ploy to get you to question your own motives, which are noble and just. If you act like you’re answering their questions, they’ll listen to you, but then at the last minute change the subject.

3. Accuse them of murder.

It’s obvious that people who don’t vaccinate their kids are literally murdering people who die from the disease. So why not just tell it like it is?

4. Argue from authority.

It might be technically a logical fallacy, but it’s still the only real reason that we pro-vaxxers are so adamant: Because the scientists, big pharmaceutical companies, and government agencies tell us to!

5. Immunodeficiency, immunodeficiency, immunodeficiency.

When in doubt, mention ‘immunodeficiency’, and you’ll shut them up in a jiffy.

6. Accuse them of being anti-science.

There are few things these days that hold as much credibility as science. And vaccinations = science. If you actually use scientific symbols, even better.

7. Give them a link to a really sciency sounding journal.

And tell them to just read it. Of course they won’t read it because it’s not in English, but failure to read means that you win!

8. Ignore the fact that federal law protects vaccine makers from liability.

I mean that is just shady. There’s no way the government and big pharma would do that. Right?

9. Make it personal.

Tell them about a friend you know who had measles once and how terrible it was. There’s nothing like an unverifiable anecdote to really solidify your case.

10. Ignore the side effects.

What side effects? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

11. Say that Jenny McCarthy is a former Playboy model.

The most prestigious anti-vaxxer out there is Jenny McCarthy, who is a bimbo. That means that all anti-vaxxers must be bimbos. Duh.

12. Big pharma is your friend.

Everything that big multinational pharmaceutical companies do is clearly for the best interest of all the people. They would never knowingly promote the widespread adoption and expansion of mandatory drugs for their own benefit. What are you a conspiracy theorist?

13. Herd mentality is the best mentality.

In the modern age, we need to accept the fact that what we do affects billions of people. So you can’t do anything that all those billions of people don’t want you to do. Get in line, don’t be different, obey.

14. Make fun of them.

Because there’s nothing more convincing to a parent who’s concerned for the health of their child and the sovereignty of their family than a weasely little jerk laughing at them for pointing out sensible doubts about a $50 billion hierarchical secretive industry forcing people to inject proven toxic ingredients into their babies.

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