Mon. Feb 18th, 2019

Gillette Introduces ‘Ball Blades’ to Help Fight ‘Toxic Masculinity’ via Castration

The razor giant Gillette is embracing the #MeToo movement with its new line of blades designed especially for excising testes.

“We can’t ignore the problem of ‘toxic masculinity’ any more,” Gillette president Tom Shears said Tuesday. “We’re striking the problem where we can best help—and that’s with blades that are specifically designed for chopping off your balls.”

Critics argue that the company is just appeasing a bloodthirsty political correctness.

“I used to shave with Gillette’s Mach 5 blades,” one slightly toxic man said. “But now I’m afraid that using Gillette will make me ball-less, which is no bueno.”

The company’s stock was down 25 points early as investors collectively cleared their throats and crossed their legs.

“Who cares if we’re cutting off our market?” Shears said. “Cutting off gonads is where the real money is these days.”

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