Sat. Nov 17th, 2018

Local Life Teen music director to replace guitars with chainsaws

In a bold effort to make the liturgy more “modern” and culturally relevant, the music director at the local St. Dissonant parish has replaced guitars with ultra-midern chainsaws.

“We had the awful, sappy ’70s hymns, unintentionally irregular time signatures, and each and every choir members singing in a completely different key, but we feel that it sounded too much like regular music still. So, we felt like we needed to do something truly progressive and so we’re introducing chainsaws.”

Parishioners seem to be taking to the culturally-relevant music well as attendance is booming.

“We want our kids to go to church,” said one parishioner, “and we think those high Masses with all the incense and unbelievably beautiful choral music is way too oldfashioned. This horrible music is much more accessible for the kids.”

Not all in the congregation are happy about the move.

“They played my favorite song, Go Make a Difference after Mass and I couldn’t even hear the off-key platitudes about hope and peace over the chainsaws. I don’t think it adds to the worship. I mean I was yelling my head off, ‘So let your love shine on, let it shine for all to see!’ I don’t think anyone could hear me.”

A liturgical dancer who wished to remain anonymous said that the chainsaws detracted from the reverent ambiance.

Despite the mixed response, the parish pastor thinks the chainsaws are, “Very cool.”