Mon. Dec 17th, 2018

Local man accidentally expels wife’s demons while reciting prayers from dusty old Latin book

While cleaning out his attic, a local man stumbled upon a dusty old prayer book written in Latin that is believed to have once belonged to his grandfather. Titled Sed Exorcismus, the man wiped the dust off the old book and took it down to his kitchen.

His wife, who wishes to remain anonymous, began hearing loud noises and the incantations of a distant, yet eerily familiar, foreign language. The man, we will call him John Amorthe, admittedly felt a surge of otherworldly power as he started ripping off one Latin line after another from the book, Sed Exorcismus. “The power I felt was not of this world, and as those words began rolling off my tongue I felt like I had found my calling.”

As Amorthe recited one Latin prayer after another, his wife’s curiosity finally got the best of her.  “I proceeded into the kitchen where John had been overcome with excitement, he grabbed a glass full of water and splashed it at the threshold right as I was walking through.”  It seems John had fulfilled the requirements to expel a demon as he read the dead language.  His wife fell to the ground and began convulsing.

John Amorthe then straddled her, with three quick slashing motions from his glass of water, he recited “In nómine Patris, et Fílii, et Spíritus Sancti.”  To which his wife replied, “Amen.”  The couple was then briefly surrounded by smoke and the smell of rotten eggs which cleared out and gave way to the fragrant scent of roses.  “It was a miracle.  I had unwittingly performed the exorcism rite from this ancient book and expelled my wife’s demons. We didn’t even realize they existed and just like that they were gone.”

John and his wife both agree that their marriage has only gotten better since this incidental exorcism was performed.  “Yea, I mean you’d be amazed how sick and tired I had gotten of her uttering weird phrases in the middle of the night about eating people’s faces and then vomiting up pea soup all over our blankets.  And you know, we had gone months without even eating pea soup!  I was just about ready to go see a counselor.”  His wife agrees, “Everything is better.  I can once again be in the same room as a crucifix, and John… it’s like love at first sight for the second time.”