Mon. Feb 18th, 2019

Ocasio-Cortez enlists first cow-fart police to combat global warming

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has started implementing her Green New Deal already, before any congressional approval or without any rational second opinion. The first order of business is enlisting the cow-fart police.

Part of the environmental plan is to reduce the greenhouse gas methane, which is produced by the digestion of grass in animals like cows. Ocasio-Cortez is certain that by policing cow flatulence, we can curb global warming before the world ends in 12 years.

Billy Sampson is the first lieutenant of the special cow fart task force. He has been trained in Special Ops and animal husbandry.

“We go up and warn the cow not to fart and if they do it anyway, we shoot them dead on the spot,” Sampson said. “It’s not pretty, but I’ve gotten a few nice sirloins out of the deal.”

Growing up, Sampson used to “tip cows” for fun. Now he obliterated them for the sake of the planet.

When asked if this heavy-handed approach could be successful, Ocasio-Cortez said that anything is possible if you put your mind to it, like believing that global cooling is caused by global warming.

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