BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented press conference held at the World Institute of Theoretical Absurdities, leading scientists issued a dire warning: at the current rate of conspiracies turning into verified facts, we may run out of conspiracy theories by 2025.
Dr. Harvey Lee, head of the Institute, painted a bleak picture for the future of conspiracy theorizing. “We’ve been tracking the conversion rate of conspiracy theories to factual events over the past decade, and it’s alarming. What used to be harmless speculations whispered in the dark corners of the internet are now becoming front-page news with alarming regularity.”
This startling trend has been observed globally. From government surveillance and secret societies to pandemics and alien contact, once-laughable notions are now being taken seriously. “Remember when people thought the government was reading our emails? That was a fun conspiracy theory—until it wasn’t,” Dr. Lee noted somberly.
Conspiracy theorist-turned-real-news pundit Alex Serios offered his take on the situation. “We used to have such a rich tapestry of wild ideas—lizard people, fake moon landings, chemtrails. Now, every time I come up with something, it gets verified within a few months. I don’t know what to do with myself!”
The economic implications are also significant. The lucrative industry surrounding conspiracy theories—from YouTube channels to merchandise—faces an existential threat. “Our entire business model is based on keeping people guessing,” said Ned Da Tinfoil, CEO of ConspiraCo, a leading producer of conspiracy theory paraphernalia. “If everything keeps getting proven true, what’s left for us? We’re looking at diversification, maybe into satire or outright fiction. But even that’s risky given the current trends.”
In response to this looming crisis, scientists are urging a more responsible approach to reality. “We need to slow down the pace of truths emerging from conspiracies,” Dr. Kook advised. “Let’s keep some of the mystery alive for future generations. Imagine a world where kids can’t grow up questioning if Elvis is still alive or if Bigfoot is real. It’s a dystopian nightmare.”
Governments worldwide are considering intervention strategies. Some propose regulating the flow of information to ensure a steady supply of conspiracies remains in the realm of speculation. Others suggest creating new, intentionally absurd conspiracy theories to replenish the pool.
In a joint statement, world leaders expressed their concerns. “The balance between fact and fiction is delicate,” the statement read. “We must strive to preserve the wonder and curiosity that conspiracy theories bring to our societies. It is essential for the cultural and intellectual growth of humanity.”
As we inch closer to 2025, the future of conspiracy theories hangs in the balance. Dr. Kook and her team continue their research, hoping to find a solution before it’s too late. “We’re working tirelessly to ensure that the world remains a place where people can still argue about whether the Earth is flat or if birds are real. These are the debates that make life interesting,” she concluded with a wistful smile.
Until then, conspiracy theorists are urged to hold onto their hats—and their ideas. The truth, as they say, might just be out there, but perhaps it’s time to leave a few mysteries unsolved.
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