Cleveland Browns draft wife-beater Kilmar Garcia for roster depth
CLEVELAND, OH – In a move that has left NFL fans simultaneously stunned and oddly unsurprised, the Cleveland Browns used...
Robert L. Peters, Jr.
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Democrats: It was okay for Kilmar Garcia to beat his wife because ‘she obviously wasn’t listening’
CALIFORNIA—In a baffling twist that’s left political analysts reaching for the aspirin, prominent Democrats have rallied behind Kilmar Abrego Garcia,...
AOC vows to torch her Tesla made by that ‘stupid billionaire’ as soon as she figures out how those magic firesticks work
In a bold move to rally young Democrat voters, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) has pledged to set her Tesla ablaze,...
Catholic Nuns Cure ADHD With Simple Life Hack
US—In a groundbreaking revelation that has left the scientific community red-faced and Catholic school alumni smirking, a coalition of nuns...
Senators advised not to wear their Qipaos while speaking about China tariffs
Washington, D.C. – The Senate chamber turned into a sartorial circus this week as senators were cautioned against wearing qipaos...
BRILLIANT: Tesla unveils ‘Original’ and ‘Extra Crispy’ models
AUSTIN—In a move that’s equal parts genius and gloriously unhinged, Elon Musk has once again turned disaster into dollar signs,...
BREAKING: Fedral Judge Signs Temperairy Restrayneing Ordur To Save Dept Of Educ.
In a stunnin display of judishul prowiss, Federal Judge Ray Sist, a shinin star of America’s edukashun sistem, scribbled his...
Ireland slaps 125% tariff on US Goods until America takes Rosie O’Donnell back
Dublin, Ireland – The Irish government announced today a staggering 125% tariff on all goods imported from the United States,...
Zelensky vows to read ‘Art Of The Deal’ before next White House visit
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky announced Tuesday that he plans to read Donald Trump’s 1987 business manifesto, The Art of the...
Chuck Schumer celebrates Black History Month by devouring rack of ribs and whole watermelon at press conference
WASHINGTON, DC—In an act of cultural appreciation—or perhaps a severe misinterpretation of cultural sensitivity—Chuck Schumer held a press conference to...
