BREAKING: Democrats promise to keep killing kids until you give up your guns 
Man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for Taliban gives lecture on gun control 
BREAKING: Biden to confiscate all Americans’ guns to give them to Ukraine 
AOC: If gun control doesn’t work, then why aren’t there any shootings in gun-free zones? 
Biden calls for national day of mourning for trans person who was viciously misgendered after mostly peacefully killing some people 
Around the World
Man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for Taliban gives lecture on gun control
WASHINGTON, DC—The man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for the Taliban and is sending millions of dollars in weapons to the most corrupt country in...
BREAKING: Biden to confiscate all Americans’ guns to give them to Ukraine
Washington D.C. - In a shocking move that has left gun rights advocates reeling, President Joe Biden has announced that he will be confiscating all...
Local biological men dominate International Women’s Day
The 2023 International Women's Day was a great success, focusing mainly on local men who think they're women. "Really, the best women are biological men...
Lori Lightfoot to return to Mos Eisley cantina full time after mayoral loss to be with her people
MOS EISLEY, TATOOINE—Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot has returned to the Mos Eisley cantina on the planet of Tatooine, just weeks after losing the mayoral race...
BREAKING: Scientists warn Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
WORLD—Scientists around the world have warned that the Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by the year 2025 if they keep coming true at...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Local woman living her best life through AI program
A local woman named Jan has reportedly begun living her best life through artificial intelligence. According to sources close to Jan, the AI's life is...
CNN: How global thermonuclear war could be great for your skin
In the beauty world, achieving a glowing complexion is the ultimate goal. And what better way to get that radiant look than through global thermonuclear...
How to get that perfect selfie during the coming global thermonuclear war
In the age of social media, getting the perfect selfie has become a top priority for many people. But what do you do when you...
New study shows Gen-Z girls are actually capable of doing things without posting about it on social media first
In a groundbreaking new study, researchers have discovered that Gen-Z girls are actually capable of doing things without posting about it on social media first....
Local woman first to do something first before a man does it
Women have a long history of firsts in which a woman does something for the first time after a man (or millions of men) has...
Business News
Should You Sell A Home You Inherited?
Ah, inheritance – the proverbial cherry on top of the complicated cake we call life. If you've recently inherited a home, you may be wondering...
Biden to burn $100 bills at fireside chats to lower energy costs
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has announced that he will begin burning $100 bills in his fireside chats as a way to lower energy costs. In...
BREAKING: AOC urges special committee to look into lost hour from Daylight Saving Time bank
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has called for a special congressional committee to investigate the lost hour from Daylight Saving Time. In...
Stock traders eagerly awaiting Jim Cramer’s recommendations so they can do the exact opposite
NEW YORK—Stock traders across the country are eagerly awaiting the latest recommendations from CNBC's Jim Cramer, only to immediately do the exact opposite. According to...
BREAKING: Biden makes Monopoly money legal tender to pay for $6.8 trillion budget
In a shocking move, President Biden has announced that Monopoly money will now be considered legal tender in the United States, as a way to...
Anthony Fauci releases line of Valentines
No one can get enough of America's Doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, especially on Valentine's Day. So, the good doctor has released his own line of...
Science Grid
Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows a string of rapes by...
BREAKING: Fauci denies crazy conspiracy theory that there was a pandemic
WASHINGTON, DC—After evidence has surfaced proving that Dr. Anthony Fauci was responsible for funding the Wuhan lab from which SARS-CoV-2 emerged, he is questioning the...
BREAKING: Scientists warn Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
WORLD—Scientists around the world have warned that the Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by the year 2025 if they keep coming true at...
AOC: ‘If global warming is a hoax, why is it 90° in Australia now in the middle of WINTER?!’
I don't know who needs to hear this but global warming is not a hoax. It's real. I'm sitting here watching the Australian Open tennis...
You can’t ask vax status of someone who died suddenly, just of people who want a job or to eat
I don't know who needs to hear this but it's totally inappropriate to ask the vaccination status of someone who died suddenly, like so many...
United States Military to Stop Fighting All Wars to Combat Climate Change
UNITED STATES—Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin announced today that the United States military will no longer directly engage in any wars to combat climate change. “The...
Featured Articles
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...
To prepare for war, Ukrainian troops undergo emergency Critical Race Theory training
UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle. "The Russian...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop working because of the fascist mandates. But I'm not worried....
Health Grid
Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows a string of rapes by...
CNN: How global thermonuclear war could be great for your skin
In the beauty world, achieving a glowing complexion is the ultimate goal. And what better way to get that radiant look than through global thermonuclear...
Senator John Fetterman back to work while recovering at Walter Reed
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator John Fetterman (D-PA) was back at work Monday at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. The images show Fetterman solving difficult children's puzzles and...
BREAKING: Fauci denies crazy conspiracy theory that there was a pandemic
WASHINGTON, DC—After evidence has surfaced proving that Dr. Anthony Fauci was responsible for funding the Wuhan lab from which SARS-CoV-2 emerged, he is questioning the...
Help Us Celebrate Women’s History Month with our ‘Best-Made Sandwich Contest’
This March, we at Genesius Times want to honor women's history like never before. We're going all out to celebrate the best that women have...
BREAKING: Buttigieg surveys Ohio train disaster site in full Medieval armor
Former mayor and current Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg made headlines recently when he was spotted wearing an unusual form of personal protective equipment (PPE)...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Local woman living her best life through AI program
A local woman named Jan has reportedly begun living her best life through artificial intelligence. According to sources close to Jan, the AI's life is...
Local retiree searches ‘Google’ on Google to use Google to google something
In today's fast-paced digital world, it's easy to get lost in the sea of information available on the internet. But for one Baby Boomer, this...
BREAKING: Biden posts TikTok video celebrating the end of Chinese spying
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden posted a video of him dancing on the TikTok social media platform to celebrate his ending all Chinese spying. The Chinese...
BREAKING: Chinese spy balloon spotted flying over North America
The Pentagon is tracking a suspected Chinese spy balloon that is making its way over the northern US, a further strain on already tense relations between Washington...
NEW: Tesla rolls out electric F-15 to meet surging demand
AUSTIN—Electric car maker Tesla has rolled out the new electric fighter jet F-15 to meet surging demand after President* Biden said half the country needs...
BREAKING: Elon Musk steps down as Twitter CEO, announces new CEO: El Musko
US—Twitter CEO Elon Musk has stepped down as Twitter CEO after a majority of Twitter users polled by Musk voted in favor of the move....
