Around the World

Biden draws his largest rally ever in Del Rio, Texas

DEL RIO, TEXAS—Thousands of illegal immigrants, mostly from Haiti, are congregating under an international bridge in the largest rally ever for President* Biden. The illegal immigrants...

BREAKING: Sources confirm Stacey Abrams ate Uncle Bosey

ATLANTA—In a shocking turn of events, sources close to the Biden campaign have confirmed that Stacey Abrams, the former Georgia gubernatorial candidate, allegedly consumed Joe...

BREAKING: US border states change name to Taiwan, Ukraine, and Israel to get money from Congress to defend their borders

US—In a bold and bewildering move, four U.S. border states—Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and California—have announced plans to change their names to Taiwan, Ukraine, Israel,...

BREAKING: Congress bans waving American flag in Capitol; allows only Ukrainian flag to be flown

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress has unanimously passed a bill making it a federal offense to wave the American flag within the US Capitol building. The new law,...

BREAKING: All Congresspeople who voted for Ukraine funding have been drafted to fight in the war

Washington, DC—In a shocking turn of events, all Congresspeople who voted in favor of Ukraine funding have received a surprise "thank you" package from the...

Lifestyle & Beauty

Vogue unveils shocking cover featuring Zelensky embracing new wife Mike Johnson

In a surprising turn of events, Vogue has just released its newest cover featuring the unexpected pairing of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and U.S. Representative...

BREAKING: Don Lemon marries notorious terrorist and ‘biggest threat to America’

NEW YORK CITY—Former CNN anchor Don Lemon has announced his marriage to notorious terrorist and "biggest threat to America," Tim Malone. The couple made it...

BREAKING: Biden to dedicate his next beach vacation to the victims of the East Palestine train disaster

WASSHINGTON, DC—In a move that has raised eyebrows and elicited more than a few chuckles, President* Joe Biden announced today that he will be dedicating...

Not to be outdone by Trump’s sneakers, Kamala Harris releases line of golden knee pads

In a bold move to outshine her political rival, former Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest venture: a line of luxurious, gold-plated knee...

LIFE HACK: American Seniors flying to Mexico to come back as illegal immigrants to get better state benefits

Thousands of senior citizens are flying to Mexico and walking back over the US border as illegal aliens in order to take advantage of the...

Business News

BREAKING: Chiefs Sign P. Diddy to replace problematic kicker Harrison Butker

In an unprecedented move that has left the NFL world buzzing, the Kansas City Chiefs have announced that they have signed notorious child sex trafficker...

Boeing issues apology after accidentally killing 10 NCAA whistleblowers 

Boeing has issued a formal apology after "accidentally" killing 10 NCAA referees during a series of test flights. The aerospace giant, known for its airplanes...

California Tourism launches ‘Come to Kill Your Baby, Stay For The Weather’ campaign

SACRAMENTO—California Tourism officials have unveiled a bold and controversial new marketing campaign aimed at attracting visitors to the Golden State. Titled "Come to Kill Your...

Mark Zuckerberg unveils new upgraded skin that looks more human-like

Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete...

Chick-Fil-A Introduces “Uncle Bosie’s Bites” & “Corn Pop Poppers”

ATLANTA—Chick-Fil-A has introduced two new menu items that are sure to raise eyebrows: "Uncle Bosie's Bites" and "Corn Pop Poppers." According to a spokesperson, the...

BREAKING: NY earthquake caused by Deep State nuke attack on Trump’s National Golf Club

BEDMINSTER, NEW JERSEY - In ongoing efforts to bankrupt former President and candidate Donald Trump, deep state operatives set off a small tactical nuke miles...

Science Grid

EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their...

Gavin Newsom threatens to blot out the sun again if we don’t sacrifice a million babies to climate goddess Greta Thunberg this year

SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an ultimatum to the world: sacrifice 1 million babies to climate goddess Greta Thunberg this year, or face the...

MTG: NYC earthquake caused by Jewish Space Lasers in retaliation for pro-Palestine protests

WASHINGTON, DC—Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) has claimed that the recent earthquake that struck New York City was caused by "Jewish Space Lasers," a statement...

ACTUALLY: Cannibalism is the most eco-friendly diet and will save the planet

As a triple doctorate in Gender-Queer Wildebeest Grooming, Post-Colonial AI Prompt Engineering, and Post-Feminist Interpretive Dance Theory, I'm clearly the foremost expert on the question:...

Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years

A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...

Featured Articles

Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years

A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...

AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’

Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...

Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage

Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...

FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...

To prepare for war, Ukrainian troops undergo emergency Critical Race Theory training

UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle. "The Russian...

Health Grid

BREAKING: Wisconsin Gov signs into law allowing minors to chop off their arms if they identify as a T-Rex

MADISON, WI—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the political and social landscape, Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers has signed into law a bill...

BREAKING: Keith Olbermann suffers rare TDS complication of urinating out of his eyes

NEW YORK—In a shocking development, renowned political commentator Keith Olbermann has been diagnosed with a rare and previously unheard-of complication of Trump derangement syndrome (TDS):...

Help Us Celebrate Women’s History Month with our ‘Best-Made Sandwich Contest’

This March, we at Genesius Times want to honor women's history like never before. We're going all out to celebrate the best that women have...

Anthony Fauci releases line of Valentines

No one can get enough of America's Doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, especially on Valentine's Day. So, the good doctor has released his own line of...

BREAKING: John Bolton hospitalized with a prolonged erection caused by news of war with Iran

CNM News is reporting that former National Security Advisor to President Trump and lifetime hawk has been hospitalized with an unexpected erection that has lasted...

BREAKING: United Airlines bolsters DEI requirements, now hiring blind people as pilots

US—United Airlines announced today that it is bolstering its DEI requirements and is now hiring blind people to be pilots. The announcement comes amid fierce...

Tech Talk

Mark Zuckerberg unveils new upgraded skin that looks more human-like

Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete...

BREAKING: Boeing jets come out as trans-safe: they are not safe but they ‘identify as safe’

SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking turn of events, Boeing has announced that their planes are now officially trans-safe. This comes as a shock to many, as the...

US workers ‘finally able to get some work done’ while Facebook was offline for 2 hours today

US—American workers experienced a surge in productivity not seen since the invention of the coffee break, as Facebook mysteriously went offline for a record-breaking 2...

Google admits its Gemini AI just takes its historical figures from Netflix films

In a stunning admission, Google has revealed that its highly touted Gemini AI, which generates lifelike images of historical figures, relies heavily on Netflix documentaries...

Taylor Swift takes private jet to get from one side of her private jet to the other

US—Pop sensation Taylor Swift has unveiled her revolutionary solution for in-flight convenience: taking a private jet to get from one side of her private jet...