MS-13 gang members threaten to leave US if Trump is reelected 
New polls show Biden winning nearly every province in China 
In first act as associate justice, Amy Barrett mandates every woman have 10 children 
Dar’shun Kendrick slams Trump for claiming ‘seals’ killed bin Laden 
Michelle Obama named most admired man in the world for first time Featured
Hillary: ‘Russiagate was Putin’s idea. I don’t see what the big deal is’
CHAPPAQUA, NY--This morning Hillary Clinton explained her part in the bombshell reveal concerning the idea of Russiagate. “Well, I don't know what the big deal...
Joe Biden pulls support for Ruth Bader Ginsburg memorial after learning ‘she ain’t black’
Though notorious RBG hasn't been put to ground as of this writing, mourners and hysterical Liberals have been descending on the Supreme Court steps to...
Biden supporters set fire to their homes in solidarity with rioters
PORTLAND, OR—They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That has now been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt as...
DNC replaces 2020 convention with 5 minutes of loud, sustained yelling at images of Trump
After dismal ratings, the Democratic National Committee will do away with their traditional convention in 2020 and instead spend five minutes a day wailing and...
Breaking: Biden picks Kamala Harris to creepily sniff for the next three months
The decision is in! Finally. After months of painstakingly waiting the senile old vice president cum presidential hopeful picked his new receiver of creepy hair...
Newsbeat
In first act as associate justice, Amy Barrett mandates every woman have 10 children
BREAKING: MSNBC offers Melania Rachel Maddow’s spot if Donald drops out of the race
Entertainment
Celebrities launch Adopt-a-Coyote program after Trump’s mean attacks
Mark Zuckerberg publishes ‘Definitive List of Everything that’s Funny’
Tech Grid
POLL: 93.7% of all poll numbers are made up
BOSTON—MIT spokesman, Paul Rolls put it right out there, “Polls are full of sh*t! Our poll using our monster super computer MOAP confirmed what we...
Mark Zuckerberg publishes ‘Definitive List of Everything that’s Funny’
MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has published the Definitive List of Everything that's Funny, which will be used to determine which satirical articles and...
Dilithium crystals found in Utah, Elon Musk promises warp drive by 2027
We found Elon Musk at his Fremont Production facility and managed an interview: GT: The discovery of the dilithium crystals may be one of the...
Hooked on Phonics releases ‘How to Argue Like a Liberal’ course
The educational program Hooked on Phonics has released an innovative new course entitled "How to Argue Like a Liberal," complete with lessons on: Screaming at...
Puppet strings visible during Biden’s CNN townhall
SCRANTON, PA—Puppet strings were clearly visible holding Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden up during a softball townhall hosted by CNN. Also visible was a ventriloquist's...
Elon Musk claims his 2025 Model 3 Neuralink vehicles will run on ‘Wishful Thinking’
Elon Musk has been working on his Neuralink system for decades. He now claims he can cure anxiety, depression, hangovers, flatulence, baldness, Karenism, Toddism, and...