97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs 
Local Man Unsure Whether $4 Gas Justifies Voting for Completely Gay and Retarded Commies 
‘$4 Gas is Outrageous!’ Says Woman Happy To Pay $5 Under Biden 
Talarico: ‘We Should Mandate Abortions Unless Parent Pledges to Raise the Baby Trans’ 
Netanyahu Gives Golden Pagers to Diplomats Who Walked Out of His UN Speech 
Around the World
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
Netanyahu Gives Golden Pagers to Diplomats Who Walked Out of His UN Speech
UNITED NATIONS — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Friday presented gold-plated pagers to every diplomat who walked out of his General Assembly address, calling...
Omar, Having Mastered Roman Numerals, Asks Who is this ‘President Eleven Jinping?’
WASHINGTON — Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) expressed sharp frustration Thursday after concluding that China’s leader is named President Eleven Jinping, a discovery she said followed...
Trump Completes First Scouting Patrol in Greenland on Tauntaun
NUUK, Greenland — President Donald J. Trump and Secretary of State Marco Rubio on Tuesday completed what the White House described as the “inaugural perimeter...
Brave Canadian PM Carney Cuts Off His Testicles to Protest Trump
OTTAWA — In a decisive act of national solidarity, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney voluntarily severed his own testicles on Tuesday afternoon in a carefully...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Local Single Guy Complains to Father of 5 That He’s Been Really Busy Lately
US—A local single man reportedly expressed concern Wednesday that he has been “really busy lately,” prompting a brief and respectful silence from a local father...
Sydney Sweeney Issues Heartfelt Apology to Critics for Being So Attractive
LOS ANGELES — Actress Sydney Sweeney issued a lengthy, unprompted apology Friday to critics who have spent years pointing out that she is attractive, saying...
Travis Kelce first NFL player to miss opener because he’s pregnant
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Travis Kelce will miss the Chiefs’ season opener after team physicians confirmed he is pregnant, making him the first NFL player...
Local dad proud of the beautiful grass he grew out of a crack in the driveway
US—A local father announced Monday that he has finally successfully grown “really nice grass,” pointing to a three-inch clump of Bermuda that forced its way...
Trump Says Reports of New Hairdo Are a Hoax
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — President Donald Trump said Sunday that Americans who believe he has changed his hair — specifically, that it is now...
Business News
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
Local Man Unsure Whether $4 Gas Justifies Voting for Completely Gay and Retarded Commies
A local resident expressed measured skepticism this week over whether an increase of approximately one dollar per gallon at the pump would be sufficient incentive...
‘$4 Gas is Outrageous!’ Says Woman Happy To Pay $5 Under Biden
Local resident Cora Upshin, a dedicated Democrat and self-described "principled consumer," took to X this week to voice her profound dismay over skyrocketing fuel costs....
Gas Stations Across US Add “Would You Like to Add a Tip for Israel?” Option at the Pump
Gas stations nationwide have begun prompting drivers with a new question at the point of sale: “Would you like to add a tip for Israel?”...
What to Look for in an Online Program When Preparing for a Hands-On Career
Choosing an online program for a hands-on career is not really about finding the most convenient website or the slickest course dashboard. It is about...
Woke Nike Execs Hold Screaming Session to Determine Why Their Stock is Plummeting
BEAVERTON, Ore. — A group of Nike executives left campus Monday for a wooded offsite, wearing coordinated yoga pants, to scream until the company’s stock...
Science Grid
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
Federal Judge Overturns Hurricane Shortage in Gulf of America, Orders Two Storms to Hit US Now
NEW ORLEANS — A federal judge on Friday vacated what he called an “unlawful shortage of tropical cyclones” in the Gulf of America and ordered...
Climate Scientists Pray to Climate Goddess Greta to Bring Hurricanes And Fulfill Al Gore’s Prophecy
Climate advocates assembled at first light Tuesday on a public pier over the Gulf of America to petition Greta Thunberg, whom several called the movement’s...
Men Can Totally Get Pregnant, but They Can’t Have an Opinion About Postpartum Depression Because They Can’t Get Pregnant
I need everyone to sit down, drink some water, and stop treating other people’s uteruses like a group chat they weren’t invited to. Men can...
Trump Orders Canadian Geese to be Renamed ‘Donald Ducks’
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump on Friday directed federal wildlife agencies to stop using the name “Canada goose” and to adopt “Donald Duck” as the...
Moderna Announces New Vaccine to Protect Against Effects of Its Previous Vaccines
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Moderna (Ticker: MRNA) said Wednesday it is developing a new vaccine designed to reduce the risk of adverse effects associated with its...
Featured Articles
Sneak Peak of The Odyssey with Samuel L. Jackson as Helen of Troy
LOS ANGELES — In what studio executives are calling “a daring subversion of Western literature,” Warner Bros. has confirmed that Samuel L. Jackson will portray...
COPS: UK provides masterclass in woke policing
LONDON — In what is being hailed as a “masterclass in modern policing,” two heroic Metropolitan Police officers were caught on camera walking straight past...
“Are You Not Validated?” – Elliot Page Gladiator Remake Review
In what can only be described as a courageous act of historical scholarship, Ridley Scott—or whoever was contractually obligated to direct this—has reimagined Gladiator for...
WATCH: Fat Gun: Doughboy
Fat Gun: Doughboy is a political documentary that follows the bizarre and covert diplomatic mission known only as Operation Doughboy—an alleged effort by U.S. Vice...
Deep Thoughts by AOC Episode 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFoOcDfHbH8 🌀 Deep Thoughts by AOC — Episode 1 Step into the shimmering world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s consciousness, where ideas flow as freely as government...
Health Grid
‘Trump Can’t Buy Me for $5,000,’ Says Local Man Who Got Experimental Jab for a Free Donut
A local warehouse supervisor said Sunday that President Donald Trump’s proposed $5,000 “dividend,” conditioned on Republicans retaining Congress this fall, would not influence how he...
SHOCKER: Thousands of Mentally Ill Liberal Abortion Supporters on SSRIs Back Woman Who Strangled Her Three Kids
BOSTON — Thousands of mentally ill liberal abortion-rights supporters who take selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors have publicly expressed sympathy for Lindsay Clancy, the Massachusetts woman...
Moderna Announces New Vaccine to Protect Against Effects of Its Previous Vaccines
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Moderna (Ticker: MRNA) said Wednesday it is developing a new vaccine designed to reduce the risk of adverse effects associated with its...
Fauci now recommends face masks over your eyes so you can’t read his leaked emails
WASHINGTON, DC—A treasure trove of emails from National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) Director Dr. Anthony Fauci’s were made public this week by...
Khan promises to ban knives ‘harder’ after latest London knife attack
London Mayor Sadiq Khan has promised to ban knives harder after the latest terrorist knife attack in London. "Killing people with knives is already illegal...
We Must Trust the Science, Especially When It Pleads the Fifth
We must trust the science, especially when it pleads the Fifth. That is the entire point of trusting the science. Trusting the science is not...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
97% of climate scientists agree that we only have 18 months to save their jobs
An international body of nearly 100 climate scientists convened by the United Nations have issued a stern warning to the rest of the world. Unless...
To Counter Trump’s Artificial Intelligence Push, Dems Launch ‘Artificial Stupidity’ Models Based on AOC and Kamala Harris
WASHINGTON — In a bold legislative response to former President Donald Trump’s renewed calls for accelerated artificial intelligence development, Democratic lawmakers on Wednesday unveiled the...
AI CEOs Vow to Slow Advancement by Releasing ‘Artificial Unintelligence’ Models Based on AOC and Kamala Harris
SILICON VALLEY — In a coordinated announcement this week, chief executives from several leading artificial intelligence companies revealed plans to release a new class of...
What to Look for in an Online Program When Preparing for a Hands-On Career
Choosing an online program for a hands-on career is not really about finding the most convenient website or the slickest course dashboard. It is about...
Rep. Ocasio-Cortez Invents Groundbreaking Car That Runs on Neither Gas Nor Electricity
WASHINGTON — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced Thursday the development of a new mode of personal transportation designed to eliminate reliance on fossil fuels and the...
Local Man Rails Against Mass Surveillance Flock Camera Into His Own Mass Surveillance Camera
A local resident spent several minutes Monday morning objecting to a newly installed Flock Safety license-plate reader mounted on a utility pole near his street,...