BREAKING: In lieu of aid, Kamala Harris enrolls all victims of Hurricane Helene in the Jelly of the Month Club 
BREAKING: Harris reassures North Carolina hurricane victims that the US will be donating another $200 billion to Ukraine in their name 
BREAKING: Never-before-seen photo from Tiananmen Square Massacre shows Tim Walz doing weird dance in front of tanks before being run over 
BREAKING: Newsom signs bill requiring photo ID to criticize another bill that allows people to vote without photo ID 
BREAKING: Tim Walz confirms he will be using Tampax Pearl Super Plus tampons for tonight’s debate against JD Vance 
Around the World
BREAKING: Harris reassures North Carolina hurricane victims that the US will be donating another $200 billion to Ukraine in their name
AUGUSTA, GA—In a deeply emotional press conference today, Vice President Kamala Harris addressed the people of North Carolina who are still reeling from the devastation...
BREAKING: Never-before-seen photo from Tiananmen Square Massacre shows Tim Walz doing weird dance in front of tanks before being run over
In a shocking historical twist that no one saw coming (except for those watching the tanks), a never-before-seen photo has surfaced of Vice Presidential candidate...
BREAKING: North Carolina changes its name to Ukraine to get federal funding after devastating Hurricane Helene
RALEIGH, NC—In a bold move to secure desperately needed federal funding in the wake of Hurricane Helene, North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper has officially renamed...
Victims of Hurricane Helene identifying as illegal immigrants so they can get some federal aid from the Biden-Harris administration
ASHVILLE, NC—Victims of Hurricane Helene in North Carolina have discovered a clever life hack: identifying as illegal immigrants in order to receive federal aid from...
Guinness World Records awards Mossad for ‘Most Vasectomies at One Time’ surpassing 2024 Democratic Convention
In a ceremony filled with pomp and, ironically, very little circumstance, Guinness World Records awarded the Israeli Mossad the coveted title for "Most Vasectomies Completed...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
BREAKING: Democrats seek to expel Rep. Anna Paulina Luna from Congress for being an actual woman
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats across the nation have expressed outrage after a video surfaced of Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-FL) modeling a "Make America Great...
Not to be outdone by Trump’s sneakers, Kamala Harris releases line of golden knee pads
In a bold move to outshine her political rival, former Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest venture: a line of luxurious, gold-plated knee...
Biden pledges $300 million to rebuild the ‘sagging infrastructure’ of Maxine Waters’ face
President* Joe Biden has pledged $300 million to rebuild the "sagging infrastructure" of Congresswoman Maxine Waters' face, in an effort to address the urgent need...
First pile of feces who identifies as a beautiful woman is crowned Miss America
Chet, the first human turd who identified as a beautiful woman, has been crowned Miss America, in a groundbreaking and historic moment for the pageant...
Inflation forces annual Miss Alabama Competition & State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year
President* Biden's inflationary policies have forced the annual Miss Alabama Competition and State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year, in an effort...
Business News
BREAKING: New made-up government economic data in line with completely fabricated economic forecast
In a stunning but entirely predictable announcement, the Federal Reserve proudly reported that the latest batch of completely made-up economic data has miraculously aligned with...
BREAKING: Personalized Coke Machine at White House Now Dispenses Actual Dime Bags with Hunter Biden’s Name on Them
WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to avoid future confusion and streamline the investigative process, the White House has unveiled a state-of-the-art personalized Coke machine that doesn’t...
Democrats disappointed to discover they can’t fill up their grocery carts or gas tanks with ‘joy’
Washington, D.C. – Millions of Democrats across the nation have been left disappointed and, in some cases, outright bewildered, upon discovering that they cannot fill...
BREAKING: Biden/Harris stop taking credit for economy as stock market crashes
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reversal of their usual rhetoric, President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have decided to stop taking credit...
Crowdstrike CEO: ‘Internet shutdown was successful test run for the real thing coming in November’
AUSTIN—Crowdstrike CEO Shawn Henry has announced that the recent nationwide internet shutdown, which affected voting machines and 911 service, was a successful test run for...
John Deere changes its name to John Queere
In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, John Deere, the iconic American agricultural machinery manufacturer, has officially changed its name to John Queere, in...
Science Grid
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden administration is looking for a...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
First biological cheetah who identifies as a man set to take gold for Lichtenstein at the Paris Olympics
LICHTENSTEIN—The citizens of this small alpine country in the middle of Europe are abuzz as they are set to take the gold medal in the...
BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented press conference held at the World Institute of Theoretical Absurdities, leading scientists issued a dire warning: at the current rate...
EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their...
Featured Articles
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
Health Grid
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden administration is looking for a...
BREAKING: Monkeypox outbreak traced back to several ‘White Dudes For Harris’ rallies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development, health officials have traced the recent surge in monkeypox cases to a series of rallies hosted by the...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
Harris Unveils New Campaign Slogan: “No Tax On Men’s Tampons”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold and unexpected move, Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her campaign's new slogan: "No Tax On Men's Tampons." The...
Transwomen complain about uniforms crushing their balls during dominating performance
PARIS—The Chinese track and field team that recently dominated the high jump at the 2024 Paris Olympics weren't all smiles—there were some grimaces. At least...
BREAKING: Biden credits the COVID vaccine for him only getting a mild case of dementia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, President Joe Biden held a press conference today to express his gratitude for the COVID-19 vaccine,...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
BREAKING: Tim Walz shows off new earrings prior to debate with JD Vance
In a stunning fashion statement ahead of his highly anticipated debate with JD Vance, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz proudly displayed his new set of earrings....
Terrified terrorists now using soup cans with string for communications
In a bizarre twist of events, international terrorist groups have traded in their encrypted messaging apps and advanced technology for a more rustic, soup-based solution:...
FACT CHECK: Yes, Tim Walz did receive a medal of valor as the first person to land on the moon in 1969
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revelation that has left historians scrambling to revise their textbooks, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz has been confirmed as the...
Crowdstrike CEO: ‘Internet shutdown was successful test run for the real thing coming in November’
AUSTIN—Crowdstrike CEO Shawn Henry has announced that the recent nationwide internet shutdown, which affected voting machines and 911 service, was a successful test run for...
Mark Zuckerberg unveils new upgraded skin that looks more human-like
Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete...
BREAKING: Boeing jets come out as trans-safe: they are not safe but they ‘identify as safe’
SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking turn of events, Boeing has announced that their planes are now officially trans-safe. This comes as a shock to many, as the...
