Around the World

White House politely asks enemies to not start WWIII between 4pm and 10am

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move aimed at accommodating President* Biden's cognitive awareness schedule, the White House has formally requested that all enemies, foreign and domestic, refrain...

Harris removes racist white stripes from US flag in time for 4th of July

WASHINGTON, DC—Following up on a campaign promise to remove the racist white stripes from the US flag, President Vice President Kamala Harris announced the new...

BREAKING: Biden meets with his family to talk about the future of his campaign

BEIJING—In a heartwarming and strategic move, President Joe Biden recently flew to Beijing for a family reunion to discuss the future of his re-election campaign...

Lego releases new Gaza Pride set

This revolutionary new toy is designed to promote cultural sensitivity and to teach children about the importance of acceptance and tolerance, and has been hailed...

Biden: ‘The true heroes of D-Day were the drag queens and trans activists’

In a stunning announcement, President Joe Biden has taken a bold step to reshape the historical narrative of World War II. During a recent speech...

Lifestyle & Beauty

Biden pledges $300 million to rebuild the ‘sagging infrastructure’ of Maxine Waters’ face

President* Joe Biden has pledged $300 million to rebuild the "sagging infrastructure" of Congresswoman Maxine Waters' face, in an effort to address the urgent need...

First pile of feces who identifies as a beautiful woman is crowned Miss America

Chet, the first human turd who identified as a beautiful woman, has been crowned Miss America, in a groundbreaking and historic moment for the pageant...

Inflation forces annual Miss Alabama Competition & State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year

President* Biden's inflationary policies have forced the annual Miss Alabama Competition and State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year, in an effort...

BREAKING: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce they are pregnant with their first clump of cells

Pop star Taylor Swift and NFL player Travis Kelce have announced that they are pregnant with their first clump of cells, and that Kelce will...

PETA Braces for Busy Gerbil Sales Month

PETA has announced that it is bracing for a busy Gerbil Awareness Month campaign blitz, as the animal rights organization seeks to protect the furry...

Business News

John Deere changes its name to John Queere

In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, John Deere, the iconic American agricultural machinery manufacturer, has officially changed its name to John Queere, in...

Creators of Pride Month launch Extreme Avarice Month in July

US—Working off the success of the wildly popular June Pride Month, creators have launched the sequel, "Extreme Avarice Month" in July. "We were so successful...

Lego releases new Gaza Pride set

This revolutionary new toy is designed to promote cultural sensitivity and to teach children about the importance of acceptance and tolerance, and has been hailed...

Walmart pulls Fried Chicken & Watermelon ‘Juneteenth’ ice cream after backlash

LOS ANGELES—Walmart has apologized for the Juneteenth items that its selling at its stores, specifically the Watermelon & Fried Chicken ice cream that is under...

Deciding Between a Community College and a University

So, you've crossed the threshold of high school and are now standing at the gateway to higher education. Congratulations! But as you ponder your next...

Inflation forces annual Miss Alabama Competition & State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year

President* Biden's inflationary policies have forced the annual Miss Alabama Competition and State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year, in an effort...

Science Grid

EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their...

Gavin Newsom threatens to blot out the sun again if we don’t sacrifice a million babies to climate goddess Greta Thunberg this year

SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an ultimatum to the world: sacrifice 1 million babies to climate goddess Greta Thunberg this year, or face the...

MTG: NYC earthquake caused by Jewish Space Lasers in retaliation for pro-Palestine protests

WASHINGTON, DC—Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) has claimed that the recent earthquake that struck New York City was caused by "Jewish Space Lasers," a statement...

ACTUALLY: Cannibalism is the most eco-friendly diet and will save the planet

As a triple doctorate in Gender-Queer Wildebeest Grooming, Post-Colonial AI Prompt Engineering, and Post-Feminist Interpretive Dance Theory, I'm clearly the foremost expert on the question:...

Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years

A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...

Featured Articles

BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence

The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...

Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years

A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...

AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’

Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...

Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage

Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...

FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...

Health Grid

White House politely asks enemies to not start WWIII between 4pm and 10am

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move aimed at accommodating President* Biden's cognitive awareness schedule, the White House has formally requested that all enemies, foreign and domestic, refrain...

BREAKING: Jill Biden arrested for elderly abuse

WILMINGTON, DE—After months of forcing her senior-citizen husband President* Joe Biden into the public spotlight despite his embarrassing declining cognitive inabilities, Jill Biden has been arrested for...

BREAKING: US nurses preparing for deadly bird flu epidemic by practicing nonstop on their TikTok dances

US—Health care professionals across the globe have been working overtime to prepare for the impending bird flu epidemic – not by studying medical journals or...

BREAKING: Wisconsin Gov signs into law allowing minors to chop off their arms if they identify as a T-Rex

MADISON, WI—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the political and social landscape, Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers has signed into law a bill...

BREAKING: Keith Olbermann suffers rare TDS complication of urinating out of his eyes

NEW YORK—In a shocking development, renowned political commentator Keith Olbermann has been diagnosed with a rare and previously unheard-of complication of Trump derangement syndrome (TDS):...

Help Us Celebrate Women’s History Month with our ‘Best-Made Sandwich Contest’

This March, we at Genesius Times want to honor women's history like never before. We're going all out to celebrate the best that women have...

Tech Talk

Mark Zuckerberg unveils new upgraded skin that looks more human-like

Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete...

BREAKING: Boeing jets come out as trans-safe: they are not safe but they ‘identify as safe’

SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking turn of events, Boeing has announced that their planes are now officially trans-safe. This comes as a shock to many, as the...

US workers ‘finally able to get some work done’ while Facebook was offline for 2 hours today

US—American workers experienced a surge in productivity not seen since the invention of the coffee break, as Facebook mysteriously went offline for a record-breaking 2...

Google admits its Gemini AI just takes its historical figures from Netflix films

In a stunning admission, Google has revealed that its highly touted Gemini AI, which generates lifelike images of historical figures, relies heavily on Netflix documentaries...

Taylor Swift takes private jet to get from one side of her private jet to the other

US—Pop sensation Taylor Swift has unveiled her revolutionary solution for in-flight convenience: taking a private jet to get from one side of her private jet...