REPORT: Trump fixed all of McDonald’s broken ice cream machines while on a break 
BREAKING: McDonald’s now offering covfefe 
BREAKING: McDonald’s changes name to ‘Donald’s’ after Trump works there for an hour 
Sneaky home fire alarm waits until everyone’s asleep to start beeping for no reason at 3:06 am 
Kamala Harris closes Pennsylvania rally by sacrificing six babies to Moloch 
Around the World
Sacrifice a human and 7 more ways to not be a bigot on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you're a Nazi bigot, so that's why most woke cultures and municipalities will be celebrating Indigenous Peoples'...
We need to let millions of foreigners vote this election because a majority of Americans don’t know what’s good for them obviously
Greetings, fellow Earthlings of all genders and species. I am Mx. Sandra Chou, PhD PhD, the most intersectionally progressive being on the planet, which is...
I’d Rather Have a Thermonuclear World War with Kamala Harris Than World Peace Under Trump
As the most intersectionally progressive person in the world, a transwoman trapped inside the body of a transman, I’ve seen things most people can’t even...
BREAKING: Korean flamethrower squirrels have reached the US
Hot on the heals of the dual plagues of COVID-19 and the Asian murder hornets, Korean flamethrower squirrels have reached the US and have been...
BREAKING: Harris reassures North Carolina hurricane victims that the US will be donating another $200 billion to Ukraine in their name
AUGUSTA, GA—In a deeply emotional press conference today, Vice President Kamala Harris addressed the people of North Carolina who are still reeling from the devastation...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Sneaky home fire alarm waits until everyone’s asleep to start beeping for no reason at 3:06 am
SUBURBIA, USA — In a move that can only be described as insidious, a home fire alarm began emitting a single, intermittent beep last night...
BREAKING: Democrats seek to expel Rep. Anna Paulina Luna from Congress for being an actual woman
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats across the nation have expressed outrage after a video surfaced of Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-FL) modeling a "Make America Great...
Not to be outdone by Trump’s sneakers, Kamala Harris releases line of golden knee pads
In a bold move to outshine her political rival, former Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest venture: a line of luxurious, gold-plated knee...
Biden pledges $300 million to rebuild the ‘sagging infrastructure’ of Maxine Waters’ face
President* Joe Biden has pledged $300 million to rebuild the "sagging infrastructure" of Congresswoman Maxine Waters' face, in an effort to address the urgent need...
First pile of feces who identifies as a beautiful woman is crowned Miss America
Chet, the first human turd who identified as a beautiful woman, has been crowned Miss America, in a groundbreaking and historic moment for the pageant...
Business News
REPORT: Trump fixed all of McDonald’s broken ice cream machines while on a break
In what is being hailed as the most unexpected accomplishment of his post-presidential life, Donald J. Trump reportedly repaired every broken McDonald's ice cream machine...
BREAKING: McDonald’s now offering covfefe
PHILADELPHIA—In an unexpected move, McDonald’s has added “Covfefe” to its beverage lineup, bringing the viral 2017 mystery word from Donald Trump’s late-night tweet into reality....
BREAKING: McDonald’s changes name to ‘Donald’s’ after Trump works there for an hour
PHILADELPHIA—In a bold marketing move, McDonald's has announced it will officially change its name to "Donald's" following former President Donald Trump's highly publicized stint behind...
Elon Musk unveils Tesla’s Cyber-School Bus
What started off as a casual comment by Elon Musk in 2012 about wanting to build a truck has evolved into what you see here, Tesla's first production school...
Starbucks Unveils new ‘Kamala Word Salad’ with a few shreds of lettuce topped with verbal diarrhea
Starbucks, the coffee giant known for staying on the pulse of cultural trends, has unveiled its latest culinary masterpiece: the Kamala Word Salad. In an...
BREAKING: Florida chooses possible starvation over vegan meats as Hurricane Milton approaches
Grocery shelves across Florida are closing up shop in preparation for a category 5 hurricane Milton. The ones that are open have sold out of...
Science Grid
BREAKING: Florida chooses possible starvation over vegan meats as Hurricane Milton approaches
Grocery shelves across Florida are closing up shop in preparation for a category 5 hurricane Milton. The ones that are open have sold out of...
AOC: ‘These poor pumpkins have been drained of their spice by illegal poachers; this needs to stop!’
I don't know who needs to hear it, but pumpkin spice poaching is not okay. I just visited a field in Connecticut where all of...
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden administration is looking for a...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
First biological cheetah who identifies as a man set to take gold for Lichtenstein at the Paris Olympics
LICHTENSTEIN—The citizens of this small alpine country in the middle of Europe are abuzz as they are set to take the gold medal in the...
BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented press conference held at the World Institute of Theoretical Absurdities, leading scientists issued a dire warning: at the current rate...
Featured Articles
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
Health Grid
Sacrifice a human and 7 more ways to not be a bigot on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you're a Nazi bigot, so that's why most woke cultures and municipalities will be celebrating Indigenous Peoples'...
JUST IN: Kamala Harris reassures Hurricane victims that she was the first VP to tour an abortion facility
In an emotional press conference today, Vice President Kamala Harris offered comfort to the victims of Hurricane Helene by reminding them of her groundbreaking achievements...
BREAKING: Korean flamethrower squirrels have reached the US
Hot on the heals of the dual plagues of COVID-19 and the Asian murder hornets, Korean flamethrower squirrels have reached the US and have been...
POLL: What should Biden rename monkeypox to make it more inclusive?
Following a bigoted response to monkeypox with some people pointing out that homosexuals constitute 98% of the cases, the Biden administration is looking for a...
BREAKING: Monkeypox outbreak traced back to several ‘White Dudes For Harris’ rallies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development, health officials have traced the recent surge in monkeypox cases to a series of rallies hosted by the...
BREAKING: Following declining poll numbers for Kamala Harris, the WHO declares a global emergency over the monkeypox virus
NEW YORK—Following a sharp decline in Vice President Kamala Harris’s poll numbers, the World Health Organization (WHO) has declared a global emergency over the monkeypox...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Sneaky home fire alarm waits until everyone’s asleep to start beeping for no reason at 3:06 am
SUBURBIA, USA — In a move that can only be described as insidious, a home fire alarm began emitting a single, intermittent beep last night...
BREAKING: Mark Cuban denies that he’s Rosie O’Donnell and Rachel Maddow’s lesbian love child
Dallas, TX — Billionaire entrepreneur and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban, has publicly denied persistent rumors that he is, in fact, the secret...
Elon Musk unveils Tesla’s Cyber-School Bus
What started off as a casual comment by Elon Musk in 2012 about wanting to build a truck has evolved into what you see here, Tesla's first production school...
Costly Congresspeople to be replaced with automated tellers
Washington DC—The wave of automation has finally reached the nation's capitol as the entire US Congress and staff will be replaced with automated tellers in...
BREAKING: Tim Walz shows off new earrings prior to debate with JD Vance
In a stunning fashion statement ahead of his highly anticipated debate with JD Vance, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz proudly displayed his new set of earrings....
Terrified terrorists now using soup cans with string for communications
In a bizarre twist of events, international terrorist groups have traded in their encrypted messaging apps and advanced technology for a more rustic, soup-based solution:...
