BREAKING: Paris Olympics Adds ‘Dodging Fire and Brimstone’ Event Following Blasphemous Opening Ceremonies 
Kamala Harris demands $1billion in reparations from herself for the slaves her ancestors owned 
REPORT: Kamala Harris sacrificed two babies to Moloch to get Barack Obama’s endorsement 
MSDNC Poll: 5 out of 4 Americans Prefer Kamala Harris Over Donald Trump for President 
BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate 
Around the World
Man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for Taliban gives lecture on gun control
WASHINGTON, DC—The man who accidentally left 300,000 guns for the Taliban and is sending millions of dollars in weapons to the most corrupt country in...
White House politely asks enemies to not start WWIII between 4pm and 10am
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move aimed at accommodating President* Biden's cognitive awareness schedule, the White House has formally requested that all enemies, foreign and domestic, refrain...
Harris removes racist white stripes from US flag in time for 4th of July
WASHINGTON, DC—Following up on a campaign promise to remove the racist white stripes from the US flag, President Vice President Kamala Harris announced the new...
BREAKING: Biden meets with his family to talk about the future of his campaign
BEIJING—In a heartwarming and strategic move, President Joe Biden recently flew to Beijing for a family reunion to discuss the future of his re-election campaign...
Lego releases new Gaza Pride set
This revolutionary new toy is designed to promote cultural sensitivity and to teach children about the importance of acceptance and tolerance, and has been hailed...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Not to be outdone by Trump’s sneakers, Kamala Harris releases line of golden knee pads
In a bold move to outshine her political rival, former Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest venture: a line of luxurious, gold-plated knee...
Biden pledges $300 million to rebuild the ‘sagging infrastructure’ of Maxine Waters’ face
President* Joe Biden has pledged $300 million to rebuild the "sagging infrastructure" of Congresswoman Maxine Waters' face, in an effort to address the urgent need...
First pile of feces who identifies as a beautiful woman is crowned Miss America
Chet, the first human turd who identified as a beautiful woman, has been crowned Miss America, in a groundbreaking and historic moment for the pageant...
Inflation forces annual Miss Alabama Competition & State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year
President* Biden's inflationary policies have forced the annual Miss Alabama Competition and State Hot Dog Eating Contest to combine shows this year, in an effort...
BREAKING: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce they are pregnant with their first clump of cells
Pop star Taylor Swift and NFL player Travis Kelce have announced that they are pregnant with their first clump of cells, and that Kelce will...
Business News
Crowdstrike CEO: ‘Internet shutdown was successful test run for the real thing coming in November’
AUSTIN—Crowdstrike CEO Shawn Henry has announced that the recent nationwide internet shutdown, which affected voting machines and 911 service, was a successful test run for...
John Deere changes its name to John Queere
In a shocking and unexpected turn of events, John Deere, the iconic American agricultural machinery manufacturer, has officially changed its name to John Queere, in...
Creators of Pride Month launch Extreme Avarice Month in July
US—Working off the success of the wildly popular June Pride Month, creators have launched the sequel, "Extreme Avarice Month" in July. "We were so successful...
Lego releases new Gaza Pride set
This revolutionary new toy is designed to promote cultural sensitivity and to teach children about the importance of acceptance and tolerance, and has been hailed...
Walmart pulls Fried Chicken & Watermelon ‘Juneteenth’ ice cream after backlash
LOS ANGELES—Walmart has apologized for the Juneteenth items that its selling at its stores, specifically the Watermelon & Fried Chicken ice cream that is under...
Deciding Between a Community College and a University
So, you've crossed the threshold of high school and are now standing at the gateway to higher education. Congratulations! But as you ponder your next...
Science Grid
BREAKING: Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND— In an unprecedented press conference held at the World Institute of Theoretical Absurdities, leading scientists issued a dire warning: at the current rate...
EARTH DAY: Biden says it’s environmentally responsible to kill your girlfriend and compost her remains remains
WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their...
Gavin Newsom threatens to blot out the sun again if we don’t sacrifice a million babies to climate goddess Greta Thunberg this year
SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an ultimatum to the world: sacrifice 1 million babies to climate goddess Greta Thunberg this year, or face the...
MTG: NYC earthquake caused by Jewish Space Lasers in retaliation for pro-Palestine protests
WASHINGTON, DC—Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) has claimed that the recent earthquake that struck New York City was caused by "Jewish Space Lasers," a statement...
ACTUALLY: Cannibalism is the most eco-friendly diet and will save the planet
As a triple doctorate in Gender-Queer Wildebeest Grooming, Post-Colonial AI Prompt Engineering, and Post-Feminist Interpretive Dance Theory, I'm clearly the foremost expert on the question:...
Featured Articles
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...
Health Grid
BREAKING: Biden credits the COVID vaccine for him only getting a mild case of dementia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, President Joe Biden held a press conference today to express his gratitude for the COVID-19 vaccine,...
Quarantined Joe Biden grows mustache so he can continue sniffing hair
WASHINGTON, DC – Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been quarantined and staffers for his campaign have finally convinced him to grow his own mustache, which...
White House politely asks enemies to not start WWIII between 4pm and 10am
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move aimed at accommodating President* Biden's cognitive awareness schedule, the White House has formally requested that all enemies, foreign and domestic, refrain...
BREAKING: Jill Biden arrested for elderly abuse
WILMINGTON, DE—After months of forcing her senior-citizen husband President* Joe Biden into the public spotlight despite his embarrassing declining cognitive inabilities, Jill Biden has been arrested for...
BREAKING: US nurses preparing for deadly bird flu epidemic by practicing nonstop on their TikTok dances
US—Health care professionals across the globe have been working overtime to prepare for the impending bird flu epidemic – not by studying medical journals or...
BREAKING: Wisconsin Gov signs into law allowing minors to chop off their arms if they identify as a T-Rex
MADISON, WI—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the political and social landscape, Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers has signed into law a bill...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Crowdstrike CEO: ‘Internet shutdown was successful test run for the real thing coming in November’
AUSTIN—Crowdstrike CEO Shawn Henry has announced that the recent nationwide internet shutdown, which affected voting machines and 911 service, was a successful test run for...
Mark Zuckerberg unveils new upgraded skin that looks more human-like
Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete...
BREAKING: Boeing jets come out as trans-safe: they are not safe but they ‘identify as safe’
SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking turn of events, Boeing has announced that their planes are now officially trans-safe. This comes as a shock to many, as the...
US workers ‘finally able to get some work done’ while Facebook was offline for 2 hours today
US—American workers experienced a surge in productivity not seen since the invention of the coffee break, as Facebook mysteriously went offline for a record-breaking 2...
LOOK at these stunningly real pictures of polar bears Google Gemini AI created
Just look at the beauty and realism! So real in their natural habitat of inventing medicines:
Google admits its Gemini AI just takes its historical figures from Netflix films
In a stunning admission, Google has revealed that its highly touted Gemini AI, which generates lifelike images of historical figures, relies heavily on Netflix documentaries...
