Biden awards Gen. Milley participation trophy for Afghanistan 
Justin Trudeau adds Hologram Adolf Hitler to campaign trail 
Protestor who glued herself to Senator Feinstein can still vote on her behalf 
BREAKING: Xi Jinping expected to announce replacement for late US Senator Diane Feinstein today 
BREAKING: Dianne Feinstein, formerly mistaken for petrified alien mummy, dead at 90 
Around the World
Biden awards Gen. Milley participation trophy for Afghanistan
WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to spin the disastrous Afghanistan situation, US President* Joe Biden awarded Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley...
BREAKING: Xi Jinping expected to announce replacement for late US Senator Diane Feinstein today
In an astonishing display of international political prowess, General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, Xi Jinping, wasted no time in announcing his replacement for...
Zelensky reminds every American to do their taxes so that he will get paid
KYIV—Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky made an urgent plea for every American to make sure and do their taxes so that he will get paid. The...
In response to Biden’s $260,000 bribe from China, Democrats to indict Trump again
WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising turn of events, Democratic lawmakers have announced their intention to once again indict former President Donald Trump, citing a need to...
BREAKING: Eric Johnson becomes first black white supremacist mayor by switching to GOP
DALLAS—In an era where political labels can be as changeable as the weather, the world of media and politics collided in spectacular fashion when mainstream...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Biden comforts California flood victims with harrowing tale of his overflowing toilet
In a heartwarming display of empathy and solidarity, President Biden visited flood-ravaged areas in California to comfort victims with a harrowing tale of his own...
BREAKING: Biden finally visits Hawaii for a nice vacation upwind of devastating wildfires
In a groundbreaking move that has left both citizens and palm trees in awe, President* Biden has announced his long-awaited visit to Hawaii, citing a...
How To Catfish People with Your Own Face Using These 3 Beauty Hacks
It’s no secret that women spend much more time, effort, and money on their appearance than men do. In-between lash infill appointments, nail lengthening appointments,...
Biden silences critics with a vigorous bike ride in a Burley
In a bid to silence his critics and prove that he's fit as a fiddle, President Joe Biden has taken a bold step by embarking...
Eric Adams orders New Yorkers to house migrant children in their dresser drawers
NEW YORK—Amid the immigration crisis at the not-open Southern border, Mayor Eric Adams has issued an executive order, mandating that all New York residents house...
Business News
Disney releases new children’s version of ‘Two Girls One Cup’
In a surprising departure from their usual lineup of fairy tales and talking animals, Disney has just released a heartwarming new children's film titled "Two...
Apple to Offer Customers iMortgages to Help Pay for New Vision Pro VR Headset
There are a few things in life that are guaranteed. The sun rises from the East daily, we all have to pay taxes, and tech...
BREAKING: Florida chooses possible starvation over vegan meats as Hurricane Idalia approaches
Grocery shelves across Florida are closing up shop in preparation for a category 3 hurricane Idalia. The ones that are open have sold out of...
Mattel offering free abortions with purchase of each Barbie movie ticket
HOLLYWOOD—In a bold marketing move that left parents everywhere questioning their sanity, toy giant Mattel has announced an unexpected promotion for the upcoming Barbie movie....
POLL: How should Disney rename irredeemably racist Snow White?
It's clear the Disney's Snow White franchise is irredeemably racist and must be completely overhauled. What should we demand Disney change the name to? Click...
Disney to Reimagine Classic as ‘Snow Brown and the Seven They/Thems’
In a move that has been called “brave” and “stunning”, Disney is putting a new twist on the studio’s first animated classic, Snow White and...
Science Grid
Biden offers ancient mummified dead aliens in Mexico free health care and $6,000 a month if they come to America
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move that has raised eyebrows across the galaxy, President* Joe Biden has announced an unprecedented immigration incentive program aimed at ancient mummified...
Biden urges Floridians to protect themselves from Hurricane Idalia by ‘getting vaccinated now’
In an unexpected twist, President Biden has unveiled his latest strategy for disaster preparedness: encouraging Floridians to protect themselves from the impending Hurricane Idalia by...
BREAKING: Florida chooses possible starvation over vegan meats as Hurricane Idalia approaches
Grocery shelves across Florida are closing up shop in preparation for a category 3 hurricane Idalia. The ones that are open have sold out of...
BREAKING: Hurricane Monica blows through DC as Hurricane Hilary peters out in California
In a bizarre twist of meteorological fate, the nation has been treated to an unusual double feature – Hurricane Monica making an unexpected and dramatic...
Government Reminds Everyone To Back Up Their Computer Hard Drives Just In Case Hurricane Hilary Deletes Their Emails
UNITED STATES—As Hurricane Hilary makes its way into Southern California and the southwestern United States, government officials are warning citizens from several states to back...
NOAA Says Next Tropical Storm To Be Transgender, Will Be Called “Tropical Storm They/Them”
WASHINGTON, DC—The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration – NOAA – said on Friday that the next tropical storm will be named for the transgender community...
Featured Articles
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...
To prepare for war, Ukrainian troops undergo emergency Critical Race Theory training
UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle. "The Russian...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop working because of the fascist mandates. But I'm not worried....
Health Grid
EXCLUSIVE: Dr. Geuss releases ‘Green Germs in Spam’ in time for new COVID push
I am SamI am SamSam I am That Sam-I-am!That Sam-I-am!I do not like that Sam-I-am! Do you like green germs in spam? I do not...
BREAKING: Dr. Jill Biden tests positive for COVID-19
In a shocking turn of events, Dr. Jill Biden, First Lady of the United States, has tested positive for COVID-19. The news sent ripples through...
Arsonist changes name to ‘Climate Change’ so that people can say Climate Change causes wildfires
MAUI, HI—An arsonist who has started several fires in Hawaii, Oregon, and California has legally changed his name to "Climate J. Change" so that people...
Mattel releases Booster-Shot Barbie complete with Guillain-Barre paralysis!
2022 is a big year for Barbie who is covering all sorts of new ground including the vax-positive "Booster Shot Barbie" that comes complete with Guillain-Barre...
BREAKING: Biden officially stops gain-of-function experiment funding to Wuhan lab that never happened
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has made a bold move to halt funding for something that never even happened. In a recent press conference, Biden triumphantly...
Biden silences critics with a vigorous bike ride in a Burley
In a bid to silence his critics and prove that he's fit as a fiddle, President Joe Biden has taken a bold step by embarking...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Apple to Offer Customers iMortgages to Help Pay for New Vision Pro VR Headset
There are a few things in life that are guaranteed. The sun rises from the East daily, we all have to pay taxes, and tech...
Ben Shapiro Blasts Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez For Game Streaming On Saturday So He Can’t Comment On Her Performance
On Sunday morning, conservative podcast host Ben Shapiro ripped Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for game streaming on Saturday so he can’t criticize her performance. The Congresswoman...
Biden tells people trapped in the Titanic submersible to save themselves by ‘getting vaccinated now’
In a stunning display of problem-solving skills, President Joe Biden has once again demonstrated his unwavering commitment to the power of vaccinations. This time, he...
New Apple ‘iCollar’ corrects white people when they’re about to be racist
MOUNTAINVIEW, CA—Apple has announced a radical leap forward in information access and a racial leap forward in social justice with the Apple iCollar. An Apple...
From Science Fiction to Reality: The Future of Sustainable Technology
Science fiction has long inspired us with visions of a futuristic world where technology has solved many of our environmental problems. From flying cars to...
BREAKING: Air Force reveals new presidential walker: Sidewalk Force One
In a groundbreaking move, the United States Air Force has announced its latest innovation to accommodate President Joe Biden's mobility needs. Introducing the "Sidewalk Force...
