BREAKING: 23 killed at Virginia white supremacist gun-rights protest, dozens injured 
DNC to take 90% of Bernie’s votes and redistribute them to less popular candidates 
BREAKING: Elizabeth Warren arrested for attempting to scalp Bernie Sanders 
BREAKING: Greta Thunberg demands people eat their own feces to combat climate change 
LEAKED: Virginia Governor Northam appoints Bernie henchman Kyle Jurek to lead Boogaloo Defense Ministry Featured
Bernie promises ‘most Americans’ a 0-hour work day if elected president
At the Iowa United Food and Commercial Workers forum on Sunday, democratic socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was asked whether he would be open to cutting the...
Suckers now born every 11.9 seconds: scientist
A sucker is now born every 11.9 seconds, a new study in Science shows. “Americans who haven’t opened a book on history, math, science or...
Buttigieg wants to replace ‘bigoted, patriarchal’ standard alphabet with gay one
Pete Buttigieg has spent some time thinking on how to strengthen the intersectional structures largely absent in the lives of normal everyday purple-haired-pansexual-self-identified-cat-people. He believes...
Cultural appropriation for Halloween forbidden unless you’re a Democratic presidential candidate
In an effort to curb illicit cultural appropriation during this Halloween season, the city of Des Moines, Iowa has banned the act of dressing up...
Breaking: Justin Trudeau to play lead role in Brokeback Mountain reboot
Justin Trudeau is said to have signed on to play the lead in the Brokeback Mountain reboot. A story about two star crossed lovers, Brokeback...
Newsbeat
BREAKING: 23 killed at Virginia white supremacist gun-rights protest, dozens injured
DNC to take 90% of Bernie’s votes and redistribute them to less popular candidates
Entertainment
POLL: Nearly 1% of Americans still believe the crazy conspiracy theory that Epstein killed himself
American Left and Right finally unite for the noble cause of hating CNN
Tech Grid
BREAKING: Iran prepares country’s Air Force for World War III
Iran's Defense Minister Mullukha bin Shallif has readied the country's Air Force in preparation for the coming World War between it, Russia, China, and the...
Sen. Schumer recommends these all-natural alternatives to help kids quit vaping
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., on Monday slammed the Trump administration’s attempt to crack down on vaping, saying that the proposed rules won’t do...
Disney to replace entire ‘Rise of Skywalker’ with 3 hours of Baby Yoda clips
After disappointing Last Jedi gross sales accompanied with a low average rating, Disney is hedging its bets for the last of the Star Wars films:...
Suckers now born every 11.9 seconds: scientist
A sucker is now born every 11.9 seconds, a new study in Science shows. “Americans who haven’t opened a book on history, math, science or...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after employee accidentally wished a “Merry Christmas”
The Google Headquarters in Mountain View, California shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated...
Ruth Bader Ginsburg to video conference next Supreme Court sittings from 7th Circle of Hell
Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will video conference into the next few sittings from her new confines in the Seventh Circle of Hell....