BREAKING: Trump says he’ll release the Epstein files if he’s elected to a third term in 2028 
NEW: Nicolas Cage to Star in National Treasure: The Epstein Files 
BREAKING: Republicans Hold ‘Free Ghislaine’ Rally, Demand Justice for Woman Convicted of Trafficking Minors to Absolutely No One 
Bongino Blinks “EPSTEIN DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF” In Morse Code During TV Interview 
Rachel Ziegler shines as the new trans woman Superman who hates America 
Around the World
Federal Judge orders Trump to put $100 million in swear jar after he drops the f-bomb on reporter
WASHINGTON, DC—In a courtroom spectacle that could double as a stand-up comedy special, Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has ordered President Donald J. Trump to cough...
BREAKING: Trump assures supporters that America always comes first right after Israel
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a thunderous Rose Garden address, President Donald Trump unveiled his boldest move yet: bombing Iran to “Make Israel Great Again” (MIGA), which he...
BREAKING: Senator Lindsey Graham hospitalized with prolonged erection after US bombs Iran
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center late last night after suffering what medical professionals are calling a...
BREAKING: Federal Judge Hugh Jassole orders Trump to rebuild Iranian nuclear sites
In a ruling that has left legal scholars, political analysts, and late-night comedians scratching their heads, Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has ordered former President Donald...
BREAKING: Iran reveals ‘historic surprise’ is actually just a nation-wide kebab festival starting today
After last night’s cryptic vow of a “surprise the world will remember for centuries,” Iran revealed today that the big moment is a colossal nationwide...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Leave Every Light in the House On and the Doors Open and Other Great Gift Ideas for Father’s Day
Dads are notoriously difficult to shop for, so we're thinking a little outside of the box with these gifts! Each one is sure to bring...
Local man dies from plume of neighbor’s disgusting new perfume
Evergreen Meadows, Suburbia – In a tragic yet fragrant turn of events, local man Carl Jenkins, 52, was pronounced dead on his front lawn Tuesday...
Senators advised not to wear their Qipaos while speaking about China tariffs
Washington, D.C. – The Senate chamber turned into a sartorial circus this week as senators were cautioned against wearing qipaos during debates on China tariffs,...
Local dad makes sure kids don’t waste pennies leaving lights on so he can waste thousands in crypto
In the quaint suburban town of Evergreen Meadows, local dad Greg Thompson has elevated frugality to a performance art—provided it’s his kids footing the bill....
BREAKING: Child of B-List celebrity bravely comes out as attention whore
HOLLYWOOD—In a jaw-dropping moment that caught absolutely no one off guard, 19-year-old Skyler Montague—offspring of former River Hollow teen idol Trent Montague and his wife...
Business News
Walmart pulls Fried Chicken & Watermelon ‘Juneteenth’ ice cream after backlash
LOS ANGELES—Walmart has apologized for the Juneteenth items that its selling at its stores, specifically the Watermelon & Fried Chicken ice cream that is under...
Walmart opens new ‘Loot!’ section in all of its California stores
UNITED STATES—Walmart CEO Dan McMillon announced today that Walmart will have a special looting section in all of its San Francisco-area stores. “We’ve seen the...
Leftists Scramble to Put Out Fires They Started on Their Teslas Now That Elon Is Feuding with Trump
US—Left-leaning Tesla owners across the country are frantically trying to extinguish the fires they set on their own electric vehicles just months ago. The sudden...
Swifties Vow to Endure Taylor Swift’s Horrible Music on Repeat to Fund Her Masters Buyback
In a bizarre twist that has the music world clutching its pearls and reaching for noise-canceling headphones, millions of Taylor Swift fans—those fiercely loyal Swifties—have...
Buc-ee’s opens first store in Vatican City minutes after cardinals elect first American pope
VATICAN—In a move that has left Catholics, Texans, and snack enthusiasts reeling, the Vatican announced the grand opening of a Buc-ee’s mega-convenience store just minutes...
College grad shocked to learn that ‘all that debt literally had to be paid back at some point’
Denison, OH—Recent college grad, Anita Lawyer, said she was surprised when her mom and dad informed her that the $226,000 in student loans and credit...
Science Grid
Electric vehicle fires on Chinese cargo ships are proof that we’re doing the right thing for the environment
Dear eco-champions, green dreamers, and lovers of a good fiery spectacle, rejoice! The catastrophic Morning Midas disaster— that glorious blaze of Chinese-made electric vehicles lighting...
VIDEO: Greta Thunberg yells at Mount Etna for recklessly violating climate change regulation
ITATY—Climate enthusiast Greta Thunberg has flown to Italy to yell at the world's most active volcano Mount Etna for violating international climate change regulation. Thunberg took...
Pride parade cancelled due to 90% chance of fire and brimstone
A pride parade scheduled to be held on Saturday in the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah has been cancelled due to inclement weather. Meteorologists...
Doctors Relieved Biden’s Prostate Nodule Was Just CNN’s Jake Tapper
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning medical revelation, doctors at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center announced today that a concerning nodule detected during former...
BREAKING: Trump to rename San Andreas Fault to ‘Joe Biden’s Fault’
In a seismic shakeup that’s rattling both geologists and late-night comedians, President Donald J. Trump announced today his plan to rename California’s infamous San Andreas...
Scientists now say that burning Teslas to the ground is better for the environment than not doing so
PALO ALTO, CA – Several scientists from the Institute of California Social Justice Science (ICSJS) released a study yesterday claiming that burning Tesla electric vehicles...
Featured Articles
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump inauguration
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Health Grid
BREAKING: Senator Lindsey Graham hospitalized with prolonged erection after US bombs Iran
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center late last night after suffering what medical professionals are calling a...
BREAKING: Biden’s proctologist Hillarina Clintosky says he has aggressive form of prostate cancer
In a medical bombshell that’s sent shockwaves through the Beltway and X’s meme factories, President Joe Biden’s personal proctologist, Dr. Hillarina Clintoski, announced Tuesday that...
Hey RFK Jr., Hands Off! Why Poison in Our Food Is Actually Good
Listen up, America, because I’ve got a PhD in PhDs and a bone to pick with the anti-poison hysterics—namely, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the self-appointed...
BREAKING: NYPD Chief Turns into Zombie Following Bite From Democrat Councilwoman at Protest
Frank DiGiacomo, deputy chief of Patrol Brooklyn South, turned into a zombie after Councilwoman Susan Zhuang (D) bit him on the arm earlier this month....
Catholic Nuns Cure ADHD With Simple Life Hack
US—In a groundbreaking revelation that has left the scientific community red-faced and Catholic school alumni smirking, a coalition of nuns has unveiled a revolutionary cure...
BREAKING: Trump derangement syndrome has mutated into deadlier variant Trump & Elon derangement syndrome
US—Scientists and social commentators alike are sounding the alarm as a new, more virulent strain of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) has emerged, dubbed Trump &...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Congratulations to Portugal and Spain on accidentally achieving net zero before 2050
Lisbon/Madrid, April 29, 2025 – In a plot twist that has left climate scientists dumbfounded, tech bros unemployed, and candle sales skyrocketing, Portugal and Spain...
Climate activists protest Elon Musk by sending ‘NO DOGE’ smoke signals up from burning Tesla batteries
In a surreal twist of environmental activism, a group of climate warriors calling themselves "GreenSmoke Revolution" staged a fiery protest against Elon Musk yesterday by...
Following Katy Perry’s all-woman space flight, Elon Musk offers ‘The View’ Hosts an all-woman one-way ticket to deep space
Cape Canaveral, FL – Fresh off the heels of Katy Perry’s much-hyped all-woman space flight, which saw the pop star serenade the cosmos with a...
Lyft launches ‘Forklyft’: the Ride-Sharing Service for the Morbidly Obese
In an unexpected twist following the recent lawsuit filed by Detroit rapper Dank Demoss against Lyft, the ride-sharing giant has launched "Forklyft," a spinoff service...
Liberal projectile tears found to be the source of water on the moon
For hundreds of years, researchers and explorers have failed to find evidence of water on the Moon. But just recently presented the first unambiguous evidence...
Fact-checkers deny claims that Mark Zuckerberg is putting an end to fact-checkers
MENLO PARK, CA — In a twist that could only be described as a plotline from a dystopian tech thriller, the world of fact-checking has...
