Harvard discontinues all Masters degrees due to problematic tie to the slave-era word ‘master’ 
BREAKING: FBI arrest person of interest in 4th of July shooting at Highland Park 
Dems file articles of impeachment against US Founding Fathers for inciting insurrection 
BREAKING: Biden cancels 4th of July for being transphobic 
BREAKING: January 6 Commission to charge US Founding Fathers with ‘insurrection’; return colonies to Britain 
Around the World
Harris removes racist white stripes from US flag in time for 4th of July
WASHINGTON, DC—Following up on a campaign promise to remove the racist white stripes from the US flag, President Vice President Kamala Harris announced the new...
Zelenskyy to star in ‘Friends’ remake with all his new friends
KYIV—The actor-turned-president of Ukraine Volodomy Zelenskyy is on fire! After securing billions of dollars in his money laundering scheme from the US, Zelenskyy has secured...
BREAKING: NASA discovers evidence of ancient, microbial racism on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC—NASA’s Curiosity rover has uncovered ancient deposits of microbial racism on the Red Planet, opening up the possibility of interplanetary wokeness. The discovery was...
BREAKING: Lightfoot launches new ‘drive-by abortions’ program in Chicago
CHICAGO—Democratic Mayor Lori Lightfoot led a crowd Saturday in a hate-filled chant against Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Speaking at a Pride Parade, Lightfoot took...
Vatican releases new 30-piece silver coin set to honor the true god of science
VATICAN—Pope Francis has announced a new 30 piece silver set of official currency to honor the true god of science. The new coins feature a...
Entertainment
Sports
Business News
Harvard discontinues all Masters degrees due to problematic tie to the slave-era word ‘master’
BOSTON—In an unprecedented move, the elite Ivy League university Harvard has discontinued all Masters degree programs because of the problematic slave-era connotation of the word...
Creators of Pride Month launch Extreme Avarice Month in July
US—Working off the success of the wildly popular June Pride Month, creators have launched the sequel, "Extreme Avarice Month" in July. "We were so successful...
Pfizer reminds women they can still get an abortion by getting another COVID vaccine
US—Pfizer has reminded women in the United States that they can still get an abortion following the Supreme Court's overturning of Roe v Wade by...
Moloch to accept credit card donations for those who can’t sacrifice their babies to him anymore
US—In the wake of the Supreme Court of the United States overturning Roe v. Wade, the Canaan god Moloch, known for the child sacrifices to...
Planned Parenthood signs lease with Spirit Halloween after SCOTUS overturns Roe v Wade
US—In a savvy business move, the nation's leading abortion provider Planned Parenthood has signed a lease with Spirit Halloween to do something with all their...
Biden’s FDA bans Juul from selling e-cigarettes; approves them selling crack instead
WASHINGTON, DC—A new report says that the Food and Drug Administration is planning to cut off Juul e-cigarettes from the U.S. market and make the...
Science Grid
BREAKING: Jackson makes history as first Supreme Court justice to not know what a woman is
WASHINGTON, DC—Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson officially joined the Supreme Court on Thursday, making history as the first justice to not know what a woman is. President* Biden’s appointee was...
BREAKING: NASA discovers evidence of ancient, microbial racism on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC—NASA’s Curiosity rover has uncovered ancient deposits of microbial racism on the Red Planet, opening up the possibility of interplanetary wokeness. The discovery was...
OPINION: If you don’t like the SCOTUS decision, then you can just start your own judicial system
Ok dear reader, if I know you, and you certainly know me, then I know you are having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...
New Disney ride instantly transitions all riders to another gender
Warning: Disney is not responsible if the ride causes nausea, vomiting or the appearance of Donald Trump Jr. when the ride ends. VISTA DEL MAR,...
BREAKING: SARS-CoV-2 has finally met its maker
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s leading infectious disease creator, tested positive for COVID-19 Wednesday. Fauci, 81, tested positive on a rapid antigen test and was “experiencing...
Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows a string of rapes by...
Featured Articles
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
To prepare for war, Ukrainian troops undergo emergency Critical Race Theory training
UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle. "The Russian...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop working because of the fascist mandates. But I'm not worried....
Health Grid
Pfizer reminds women they can still get an abortion by getting another COVID vaccine
US—Pfizer has reminded women in the United States that they can still get an abortion following the Supreme Court's overturning of Roe v Wade by...
BREAKING: Dozens of fat ugly women won’t have sex with you until you support killing babies
US—Following the leak of the SCOTUS decision overturning Roe v Wade, many brave and entirely unattractive feminists have taken to the streets to declare a...
Biden’s FDA bans Juul from selling e-cigarettes; approves them selling crack instead
WASHINGTON, DC—A new report says that the Food and Drug Administration is planning to cut off Juul e-cigarettes from the U.S. market and make the...
Biden executive order punishes parents who don’t chop off the arms of kids who identify as T-Rex
WASHINGTON, DC–President* Joe Biden signed legislation yesterday that criminalizes parents who don't chop off the arms of their children who identify as a T-Rex and...
BREAKING: SARS-CoV-2 has finally met its maker
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s leading infectious disease creator, tested positive for COVID-19 Wednesday. Fauci, 81, tested positive on a rapid antigen test and was “experiencing...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
BREAKING: NASA discovers evidence of ancient, microbial racism on Mars
WASHINGTON, DC—NASA’s Curiosity rover has uncovered ancient deposits of microbial racism on the Red Planet, opening up the possibility of interplanetary wokeness. The discovery was...
Nancy Pelosi launches OnlyFans account to share private January 6th videos
WASHINGTON, DC—After teasing it last week, Nancy Pelosi announced today that she has indeed opened an OnlyFans account. The Speaker of the Hous says that...
Thousands of US companies celebrating Noahic covenant in June
US—In a show of solidarity for biblical principles and in particular the traditional nuclear family, thousands of companies across the US are celebrating the Noahic...
Bill Gates releases Windows OS for humans: ‘MonkeySoft’ Vista
SEATTLE—While Bill Gates officially has left the Windows board to focus on bioterrorism, he has returned briefly for a release of the new Windows operating...
Elon Musk buys Motel 6 to build first motel on Mars
CARROLTON, TX—Elon Musk announced the purchase of Motel 6 from the Blackstone Group, this morning. He said the nationwide, popular motel chain will fly under...
Elon Musk secretly buys 51% of all passwords, will soon control internet
ZURICH—The GPO, Global Password Organization, announced on May 5th, World Password Day, that Elon Musk, the SpaceX and Tesla entrepreneur, has secretly bought over half...
