MEMORIAL DAY: Nation mourns George Floyd who died when his spaceship exploded in 2020 
Biden unveils new pride flag to be flown at all US embassies 
BREAKING: Biden refuses to eat his Jell-O until debt ceiling is raised 
VIDEO: Greta Thunberg yells at Mount Etna for recklessly violating climate change regulation 
EXCLUSIVE: George Floyd celebrates 3 years of sobriety 
Around the World
VIDEO: Greta Thunberg yells at Mount Etna for recklessly violating climate change regulation
ITATY—Climate enthusiast Greta Thunberg has flown to Italy to yell at the world's most active volcano Mount Etna for violating international climate change regulation. Thunberg took...
Chicago declares itself a sanctuary city for blacks after NAACP warns Florida is no longer safe for them
In a surprising move, the city of Chicago has officially declared itself a sanctuary city for blacks. This decision comes hot on the heels of...
This Day in ‘Fiery but Mostly Peaceful’ History: Feds Massacre 76 in Waco Siege
The Waco siege, also known as the Waco massacre, was the fiery but mostly peaceful law enforcement siege of the compound that belonged to the...
Zelensky reminds every American to do their taxes so that he will get paid
KYIV—Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky made an urgent plea for every American to make sure and do their taxes so that he will get paid. The...
BREAKING: Leaking documents is bad again
(CNN) In a stunning reversal of opinion, politicians and media figures are now decrying the practice of leaking documents, after it was revealed that a...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
BREAKING: Joe Biden defies ageist critics, announces he and Dr. Jill Biden are expecting baby
In a stunning turn of events, President* Joe Biden has defied critics who claim he is too old for the job by announcing that he...
Local dad’s joke fails to get any laughs
Local dad, Jim Johnson, made a valiant attempt at humor yesterday during a family gathering, but unfortunately failed to get any laughs. The joke, which...
Local woman continues family tradition of hyphenated name to smash the patriarchy
Janice Smith-Wilson-Johannes-Rodriguez, a child of progressive parents and grandparents was born to Jimbo Johannes-Rodriguez and Sha'nay Smith-Wilson. She always knew that she too would hyphenate...
Depressed New Yorkers look for alternative methods of suicide after gas stoves are banned starting in 2026
NEW YORK—In a blow to the depressed people of New York, the State Legislature banned gas stoves in most new buildings starting in 2026. Now...
Chicagoans now boarding up their car windows to get around safer
CHICAGO—Chicagoans have come up with a revolutionary new solution: boarding up their car windows and windshields to avoid rioters bashing them in. That's right, in...
Business News
BREAKING: Anti-fascist Democrats excited for government to bail out failing banks
In a surprising twist of irony, anti-fascist Democrats across the country are eagerly anticipating President Joe Biden's decision to bail out collapsing banks. Yes, you...
Local white man has saved thousands since companies have stopped putting people like him in ads
In a stunning twist of fate, a middle-aged white man named Gary Thompson has reportedly saved thousands of dollars since advertisers made the ingenious decision...
Bud Light launches ‘Bug Light’, the Official Beer of the Green New Deal
In a move that's sure to leave beer enthusiasts buzzing with excitement, Bud Light has announced the release of their newest product: the official beer...
BREAKING: Fox trades Tucker Carlson for Don Lemon and 6 draft picks just before trade deadline
In a shocking move just before the Cable News trade deadline, Fox News has reportedly traded star anchor Tucker Carlson to rival network CNN in...
Local kid who only watches TV commercials surprised to learn that there are white people
In a shocking discovery that has left his parents scratching their heads, local 6-year-old Timmy Johnson has realized that there are actually white people in...
NOW HIRING: Copyeditor for Random Memes We Find on the Internet
Annoyed by all those misspellings in the memes we find online? Well we've got the job for you! In an effort to ensure that all...
Science Grid
VIDEO: Greta Thunberg yells at Mount Etna for recklessly violating climate change regulation
ITATY—Climate enthusiast Greta Thunberg has flown to Italy to yell at the world's most active volcano Mount Etna for violating international climate change regulation. Thunberg took...
BREAKING: Biden renames great white sharks ‘white supremacist fish’
NEW YORK—Following a rash of shark attacks that have plagued American beaches this summer, activists are calling for renaming great white sharks "white supremacist fish."...
Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows a string of rapes by...
BREAKING: Fauci denies crazy conspiracy theory that there was a pandemic
WASHINGTON, DC—After evidence has surfaced proving that Dr. Anthony Fauci was responsible for funding the Wuhan lab from which SARS-CoV-2 emerged, he is questioning the...
BREAKING: Scientists warn Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
WORLD—Scientists around the world have warned that the Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by the year 2025 if they keep coming true at...
AOC: ‘If global warming is a hoax, why is it 90° in Australia now in the middle of WINTER?!’
I don't know who needs to hear this but global warming is not a hoax. It's real. I'm sitting here watching the Australian Open tennis...
Featured Articles
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...
To prepare for war, Ukrainian troops undergo emergency Critical Race Theory training
UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle. "The Russian...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop working because of the fascist mandates. But I'm not worried....
Health Grid
BREAKING: Biden refuses to eat his Jell-O until debt ceiling is raised
WASINGTON, DC – In an effort to break the impasse surrounding debt ceiling negotiations, President Biden today announced a hunger strike, refusing to eat his...
Biden executive order punishes parents who don’t chop off the arms of kids who identify as T-Rex
WASHINGTON, DC–President* Joe Biden signed legislation yesterday that criminalizes parents who don't chop off the arms of their children who identify as a T-Rex and...
Target to mandate sex transitioning for all employees and customers
Target was the first company to 'whip it out' so to speak and declare it would allow its transgender employees and customers to choose the...
Biden fitted with anti-sniff cone to protect children
WOONSOCKET, RI—Students at Woonsocket Elementary rejoiced as President Biden arrived for his latest unity speech to berate half the country wearing a sniff-proof cone. The...
Biden Reveals He’s ‘Lack Toast and Tolerant’
WASHINGTON, DC—President Biden revealed today that he only drinks lactaid milk because he’s “lack toast and tolerant.” “I’m lack toast and tolerant which is why...
Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows a string of rapes by...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Sneaky Ways to Use a Computer to Begin Educating Your Child
As parents, we're always looking for ways to make learning enjoyable and engaging for our children. With today's rapidly changing world, it's more important than...
‘It’s pathetic when people pretend to be someone else’ tweets AOC from her ‘Zaza Demon’ account
US Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez used her burner Twitter account "Zaza Demon" to criticize people who impersonate her. "It's just ridiculous," she tweeted from the...
Local woman living her best life through AI program
A local woman named Jan has reportedly begun living her best life through artificial intelligence. According to sources close to Jan, the AI's life is...
Local retiree searches ‘Google’ on Google to use Google to google something
In today's fast-paced digital world, it's easy to get lost in the sea of information available on the internet. But for one Baby Boomer, this...
BREAKING: Biden posts TikTok video celebrating the end of Chinese spying
WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden posted a video of him dancing on the TikTok social media platform to celebrate his ending all Chinese spying. The Chinese...
BREAKING: Chinese spy balloon spotted flying over North America
The Pentagon is tracking a suspected Chinese spy balloon that is making its way over the northern US, a further strain on already tense relations between Washington...
