Ilhan Omar Quietly Shuts Down Her “Quality Winary Center” as Ethics Scrutiny Intensifies 
Breaking: Bill Clinton Adopts Eric Swalwell: “He’s The Son I Never Had” 
BREAKING: Eric Swalwell resigns from Congress for stuff he totally didn’t do 
Swalwell Transitions to Black Woman, Prompting Immediate Dismissal of All Sexual Assault Allegations 
BREAKING: Kamala Harris ‘Seriously Thinking About’ Losing Again in 2028 
Around the World
BREAKING: Israel warns Trump that Tucker Carlson and Candace Owens are 2 weeks away from developing nuclear weapon
Jerusalem, April 10 — In a stark intelligence briefing delivered to President Donald Trump’s incoming national security team, Israeli officials have warned that Tucker Carlson...
Netanyahu Warns Trump: Vatican City One Month From Nuclear Weapon
Jerusalem – In a late-night phone call that reportedly lasted 47 minutes and included several awkward pauses while aides Googled “Vatican military capabilities,” Israeli Prime...
UK Agrees to Let Kanye In If He Converts to Islam and Rapes At Least 5 White Girls During His Stay
LONDON — In a bold move hailed as a triumph for diversity, inclusion, and pragmatic border policy, the British Home Office announced today that controversial...
BREAKING: Lindsey Graham Threatens to Jump From Washington Monument Unless U.S. Immediately Resumes Bombing Iran
WASHINGTON—In a scene reminiscent of a budget superhero movie gone wrong, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) climbed the Washington Monument Tuesday afternoon and threatened to hurl...
BREAKING: Civilizational annihilation put on hold for two weeks
Washington, D.C. — In a dramatic late-night Truth Social announcement that left national security analysts blinking in confusion, President Donald J. Trump revealed Tuesday that...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Women Too Stupid To Get I.D. Relieved To Not Have To Vote Anymore
In a stunning development hailed as both liberating and patriotic, millions of American women have reportedly been freed from the oppressive chore of voting following...
FACT CHECK: Ben Shapiro’s Eyebrows Grow in Direct Proportion to Number of Bombs Dropped in the Middle East
In a groundbreaking peer-reviewed study, researchers at the Institute for Things That Sound About Right have confirmed what internet commentators have long suspected: conservative commentator...
CNN adds Gavin Newsom to panel on ‘What It’s Like Being Black & Poor in America’
ATLANTA — In what network executives are calling a “definitive step toward radical empathy,” CNN has confirmed California Governor Gavin Newsom as the featured voice...
Local woman practices social justice by yelling at ice on her kitchen counter all day
SPRINGFIELD — In a powerful display of allyship that has neighbors quietly relocating their patio furniture farther away, local resident Karen Whitaker has dedicated her...
BREAKING: Dangerous Cold Weather Closes Schools So Kids Can Go Sledding
In a stunning display of progressive parenting and climate awareness, public schools across the northern United States shuttered their doors today due to dangerously cold...
Business News
Ilhan Omar Quietly Shuts Down Her “Quality Winary Center” as Ethics Scrutiny Intensifies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move described by aides as “a routine operational adjustment,” Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) has discreetly closed the doors of her...
NY Times Wins Pulitzer For Nailing 3 Out of 4 Words In ‘NATO’
NEW YORK — In a stunning display of journalistic precision that left the industry breathless, The New York Times was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for...
‘$3 Gas is Outrageous!’ Says Woman Happy To Pay $5 Under Biden
Local resident Cora Upshin, a dedicated Democrat and self-described "principled consumer," took to X this week to voice her profound dismay over skyrocketing fuel costs....
US facing ‘massive shortage’ of conspiracy theories as all of them have come true
US—The United States declared a national emergency Tuesday after intelligence agencies confirmed what had long been whispered in dimly lit basements and suspiciously active comment...
AOC: ‘We don’t need farmers. We can get all our food from the grocery store’
Everyone’s making a big deal about Dutch farmers uniting and the possibility that they may "stop working" because of the government mandates. But I’m not worried. Why...
LIFE HACK: How to write off your involuntary donation to ‘Quality Learing Center’ on your taxes
In these trying economic times, savvy taxpayers are always on the lookout for clever ways to reduce their burden to Uncle Sam. Enter one of...
Science Grid
Rep Hank Johnson Warns Trump ‘The Whole Island of Iran Will Capsize If Troops Sent In’
WASHINGTON — Fearing for the lives of thousands of Marines, Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) urgently advised the Trump administration Tuesday that Kharg Island may capsize...
NASA Announces George Floyd as Backup Crew Member for Artemis III Lunar Landing
Houston, TX – In a bold move to promote inclusivity and “lived experience” in space exploration, NASA confirmed Tuesday that George Floyd has been selected...
AOC congratulates Cuba on achieving Net Zero with recent blackouts
In a groundbreaking development hailed by progressive climate advocates, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) today issued a statement congratulating the Republic of Cuba on finally achieving...
Trans Rep. McBride Wins ‘Mansplainer of the Year’ Award for Keynote at ‘What It’s Like to Be a Woman’ Conference
WASHINGTON — In a ceremony described by organizers as “both historic and inevitable,” Delaware Rep. Sarah McBride was awarded the 2026 Mansplainer of the Year...
Op-Ed: If Climate Change Isn’t Real, Then Why Are There No More Penguins On the North Pole?
Critics of the strategy, mostly confined to people who read past the headline, have pointed out that the last time a strongly-worded letter produced measurable...
STAR TREK: Woketard Academy Episode 1
In the not-so-distant future of 24th-century wokeness, welcome to Star Trek: Woketard Academy — where merit is microaggression, competence is colonialism, and the only thing...
Featured Articles
WATCH: Fat Gun: Doughboy
Fat Gun: Doughboy is a political documentary that follows the bizarre and covert diplomatic mission known only as Operation Doughboy—an alleged effort by U.S. Vice...
Deep Thoughts by AOC Episode 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFoOcDfHbH8 🌀 Deep Thoughts by AOC — Episode 1 Step into the shimmering world of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s consciousness, where ideas flow as freely as government...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
The Daily Dumpster Fire: Episode 1
Welcome to The Daily Dumpster Fire, the flagship news roundup of the Genesius Times, hosted by the reliably unimpressive duo Chad Furthingrotten and Karen Bubbletitch....
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump inauguration
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
Health Grid
BREAKING: Senator Lindsey Graham hospitalized with prolonged erection after US bombs Iran
WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center late last night after suffering what medical professionals are calling a...
People who didn’t accept themselves as they were demand you accept them for who they are
SPRINGFIELD — In a joint statement delivered via a synchronized TikTok live from the back room of a downtown queer coffee shop, the Springfield Trans...
Trump gains liberal support by renaming ICE ‘Planned Citizenship’
In an appeal to pro-choice progressives protesting the detention center at the Mexican border, President Trump has renamed the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency...
Leftists Protest new MAHA Food Pyramid by Staging ‘Processed-Carbs-Only’ Sit-in Marathon
WASHINGTON, DC—Dozens of activists gathered on the National Mall today to protest the newly released Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2025-2030, which feature an inverted food...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
JUST IN: Brave young Democrat influencers cut off their testicles in protest of Trump
In an unprecedented display of political fervor, a group of young, progressive activists known as the "Brave Democrats" - comprised of Harry Sisson, David Hogg,...
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Tech Talk
Federal Judge Orders Artemis II Crew to Turn Around Mid-Flight, Seek Congressional Approval Before Proceeding to Moon
Houston, TX – In a landmark ruling delivered from the bench via emergency Zoom hearing, U.S. District Judge Hugh Jassole has ordered NASA’s Artemis II...
2001: A Space Odyssey Remake Highlights HAL 9000 with ChatGPT Upgrade
Los Angeles, March 2026 — In a move that has already been described as “both inevitable and deeply unnecessary,” Warner Bros. Discovery confirmed today that...
Iranian general writes scathing 1-star review for Chinese military drones purchased on Temu
Tehran, Iran — In a scathing internal review leaked to Western intelligence agencies (and promptly posted on a public Telegram channel titled “IRGC Bargain Bin...
Pam Bondi’s Pedometer Stuck On ‘0’ Despite Busy Day of Pacing the Halls of Justice
Washington, D.C. — In a development that has left fitness trackers across the capital utterly perplexed, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi reported today that her...
Mobile Shopping Trends Transforming E-Commerce
Mobile Shopping Trends Transforming E-Commerce Mobile shopping did not just make online purchases more convenient. It changed how people think while they shop. Instead of...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...