Local Dad Yells ‘They Can Take Our Lives but They Can Never Take Our Freedom!’ Before Removing Splinter
A local father shouted a line from Braveheart on Wednesday immediately before removing a splinter from his toe. The splinter...
Health
Sacrifice a human and 7 more ways to not be a bigot on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
Everyone knows that if you celebrate Columbus Day, you're a Nazi bigot, so that's why most woke cultures and municipalities...
James Talarico Denies His Mental Breakdown Was Caused by His Monkeypox
AUSTIN, Texas — U.S. Senate candidate James Talarico on Sunday rejected suggestions that a severe case of monkeypox had impaired...
Russian Health Minister Antonsky Fauchinsky Confirms Pneumonic Plague Originated Naturally in Bats Before Jumping to Humans
MOSCOW — Russian Health Minister Dr. Anton Fauchinsky confirmed Wednesday that the recent case of pneumonic plague almost certainly originated...
WOOPS: Plague Factory Worker Accidentally Starts Deadly Pandemic Right Before Midterms
MOSCOW — A mid-level technician at the remote Siberian Strategic Pathogen Production Complex, more commonly known among staff as the...
Tennessee Hires Dr. Hillarsky Clintonsky to Finish the Job After Two Botched Lethal Injections
NASHVILLE — Tennessee announced Friday that it had retained Dr. Hillarsky Cintosky to complete the execution of Christa Pike, left...
‘Trump Can’t Buy Me for $5,000,’ Says Local Man Who Got Experimental Jab for a Free Donut
A local warehouse supervisor said Sunday that President Donald Trump’s proposed $5,000 “dividend,” conditioned on Republicans retaining Congress this fall,...
SHOCKER: Thousands of Mentally Ill Liberal Abortion Supporters on SSRIs Back Woman Who Strangled Her Three Kids
BOSTON — Thousands of mentally ill liberal abortion-rights supporters who take selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors have publicly expressed sympathy for...
Moderna Announces New Vaccine to Protect Against Effects of Its Previous Vaccines
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Moderna (Ticker: MRNA) said Wednesday it is developing a new vaccine designed to reduce the risk of...
Fauci now recommends face masks over your eyes so you can’t read his leaked emails
WASHINGTON, DC—A treasure trove of emails from National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) Director Dr. Anthony Fauci’s were...
