Argentina Claims World Cup Title After Late-Night Mail-In Goal Surge Flips Final at MetLife
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — In scenes that bewildered the 82,000 fans who stayed until the end, Argentina defeated Spain 4-1...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Olympic Committee Mandates Victorian-Era Bathing Suits for All Female Athletes to Prevent Sexualization
AUSANNE, Switzerland — Citing a commitment to “dignity, respect, and the timeless values of modesty,” the International Olympic Committee announced...
Rising Islamophobia May Force Muslim Entrepreneurs to Close Their Scam Daycares and Wineries
Washington, D.C. — Citing a sharp increase in so-called "Islamophobia," a coalition of Muslim business owners announced Tuesday that they...
Carney Bans Wildfires From Canada
OTTAWA — In a bold move to combat climate change and assert national sovereignty over uncontrollable natural phenomena, Canadian officials...
Mamdani Opens New NYC Restaurant Allowing Comrades to Literally ‘Eat the Rich’
New York, NY – Mayor Zohran Mamdani proudly cut the ribbon today on The Guillotine Grill, the city’s first municipally...
BREAKING: Lindsey Graham Dies After Accidentally Uttering the Word “Peace”
WASHINGTON — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), 71, a steadfast advocate for robust American engagement abroad, died Saturday evening after what...
Travis Kelce Announces Pregnancy Just Days after Marrying Taylor Swift
NEW YORK—Travis Kelce, the Kansas City Chiefs tight end, confirmed Friday that he is expecting his first child with Taylor...
Sneak Peak of The Odyssey with Samuel L. Jackson as Helen of Troy
LOS ANGELES — In what studio executives are calling “a daring subversion of Western literature,” Warner Bros. has confirmed that...
Senate Republicans Report McConnell ‘Fully Engaged,’ ‘Eager to Return’
In a development that surprised no one familiar with modern American politics, Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) and longtime...
Graham Platner Comes Out as Muslim Transwoman; All Allegations Immediately Dropped
WASHINGTON — Graham Platner, who converted to Islam earlier Tuesday and saw all pending legal cases against him dismissed, announced...
