Trump Orders Blockade of Ohio River, Plans Airstrikes on Kentucky Over Massie Nuclear Threat
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the U.S. military has established a full naval blockade of the Ohio...
Exavier Saskagoochie
Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He's really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!
Israel Alerts Trump That Thomas Massie is Just 2 Weeks from Completing Nuclear Weapon
WASHINGTON — Israeli officials have formally briefed President Donald Trump that Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) is approximately 14 days away...
Local Dad Offers Definitive Guide to When You Should Wave At Someone While Driving
Area dad Mark Thompson, 47, sat down with reporters Tuesday to clarify the complex social etiquette of waving from a...
“Are You Not Validated?” – Elliot Page Gladiator Remake Review
In what can only be described as a courageous act of historical scholarship, Ridley Scott—or whoever was contractually obligated to...
BREAKING: Cow Claims Thomas Massie Offered Her $5k in ‘Cow Money’ to Hide His Popeyes Love
WASHINGTON — A veteran Chick-fil-A spokes-cow has leveled explosive new allegations against Thomas Massie, claiming the congressman not only carried...
Groundbreaking AI Study Resolves MJ vs. LeBron GOAT Debate with Empirical Simulation
Abstract Researchers at the Institute for Objective Athletic Evaluation uploaded every available statistic, play-by-play log, game film, and biomechanical dataset...
Fauci Admits Lab Creation of Coronavirus in Bats, ‘But Would Totes Never Do the Same with Rats’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anthony Fauci announced Tuesday that, with the statute of limitations now expired on his prior testimony before...
Evangelicals Finally Find a Graven Image They Can Worship
DORAL, FL — After centuries of staunchly opposing the veneration of religious statues — including centuries of criticism directed at...
Evangelicals Update the Bible: ‘Thou Shalt Have No Graven Images…Except If It’s Gold Plated and Owns the Libs’
DORAL, FL — Following a solemn blessing ceremony at Trump National Doral Miami, evangelical leaders announced a long-overdue clarification to...
Israel Celebrates US-Iran Peace Plan by Bombing the Hell Out of Lebanon
TEL AVIV — Israeli officials announced Thursday that a landmark peace initiative with Iran would be moving forward, marking the...
