If You’re Born Here, You’re a Citizen—Unless You’re an American, in Which Case You’re a Colonizer on Stolen Land
In these enlightened times, we have finally moved beyond the crude, outdated notion that birthplace confers belonging. Or rather, we...
Politics
Supreme Court Rules Babies Born in the Hospital are Automatically Licensed to Practice Medicine
Washington — In a landmark 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court held Tuesday that any child born within the confines of...
BREAKING: Supreme Court Decides 250 Years Is ‘Long Enough’ for America
WASHINGTON—In a narrowly divided 6-3 ruling Thursday, the Supreme Court held that the United States has enjoyed a sufficient run...
BREAKING: Macron Bans Heatwaves from France
PARIS — In a decisive move to combat extreme weather, the French government under President Emmanuel Macron has issued a...
Zionists Perform “Give War a Chance” in Oval Office to Protest Iran Peace Deal
WASHINGTON — In a rare display of legislative-executive harmony, prominent Zionist figures Mark Levin, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), and Sen....
King Charles Appears to Forget Human Contact Lenses During Latest Address
LONDON — In what Palace officials described as a “minor wardrobe oversight,” King Charles III delivered a measured address on...
Mamdani Organizes NYC’s Inaugural Public Stoning of Rape Victim
NEW YORK — In a landmark step toward multicultural equity, Mayor Zohran Mamdani personally oversaw the city’s inaugural public stoning...
Trump Stocks Reflecting Pool with Man-Eating Piranhas to Deter Purple-Haired Vandals
WASHINGTON — Citing ongoing concerns over “repeated acts of unauthorized aquatic protesting,” the Trump administration announced Tuesday that it has...
Ewoks have taken over the Obama Presidential Center and have disarmed the shield generator
CHICAGO — A detachment of Ewoks has assumed operational control of the Obama Presidential Center, officials confirmed Tuesday, after the...
Two Imperial AT-ATs Seen Patrolling Around Obama Presidential Center
CHICAGO – Local residents and tourists were left both awestruck and mildly concerned Tuesday after two massive Imperial AT-AT walkers...
