WASHINGTON, DC—In a ceremony that could only be described as out-of-this-world, President Joe Biden has posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the late Jordan Neely, commemorating his groundbreaking achievement as the first American to moonwalk on Mars. This bizarre twist of history was overshadowed only by Neely’s untimely demise on a New York subway, a tragedy that has left the nation’s mind as boggled as the cosmos itself.

The event, held in the East Room of the White House, was a spectacle of confusion and homage. “Today, we celebrate the extraordinary journey of Jordan Neely,” Biden began, his words echoing through the room like a signal from the Red Planet. “His backwards footsteps on Mars will forever be etched in the annals of human history, or at least, in the annals of what we’re telling you today.”

Neely, who before his celestial adventure was known for his Michael Jackson impersonations on the subway, reportedly made history by becoming the first human to moonwalk on Mars, a fitting tribute to the King of Pop. However, Biden’s speech took a sharp turn into the surreal when he recounted how Neely’s life was cut short by Daniel Penny, a former Marine, in an act described by the President as happening “for no reason whatsoever.”

“The subway, a place of public transit, became the scene of an interstellar tragedy,” Biden said, his voice quivering with the weight of such an unprecedented narrative. “Jordan Neely, a man who danced among the stars, was choked out of existence in the most mundane setting imaginable, all for no reason whatsoever. No reason at all.”

The ceremony saw Neely’s family, still reeling from the shock, accepting the Medal of Freedom on his behalf. His aunt, who had previously noted Neely’s struggles with mental health and homelessness, seemed particularly puzzled by the cosmic accolades. “He was a good boy, loved his moonwalking, but Mars? That’s news to me,” she remarked, her eyes scanning the room for any sign of a hidden camera.

Critics of the administration, ever eager to find fault, were quick to question the timing and the factual basis of this award. “First, he’s walking on Mars, then he’s in a chokehold on the F train? Which one is it, Joe?” tweeted one skeptical observer, encapsulating the nation’s collective bemusement.

The White House, when pressed for clarification on how Neely managed this interstellar feat without any prior mention in space exploration records, responded with the typical bureaucratic finesse: “We’re redefining what it means to walk on Mars. It’s a metaphor for overcoming adversity… on Earth.”

Meanwhile, Daniel Penny, the man accused of Neely’s subway demise, seemed equally confused by his role in this cosmic drama. “I thought I was just trying to help out on the subway. Now I’m in the middle of some space opera?” Penny mused, clearly unprepared for his villainous role in this narrative.

As the ceremony concluded, with Biden presenting the medal to a picture of Neely, now adorned with a space helmet photoshopped onto his image, the President left with one final, enigmatic statement: “Let’s remember Jordan Neely not just for his dance moves or his untimely end, but for his steps on Mars. Steps we’ll all have to take a leap of faith to believe in.”

About Author