MALIBU, CA—In a shocking turn of events, the Franklin Fire around Malibu has not only scorched over 4,000 acres of prime Malibu real estate but has also thrown a wrench in the schedules of Hollywood’s most famous elites. Sources close to the action claim that several high-profile Satanic pedophile rings have been forced to cancel their scheduled debaucheries due to the unforeseen inconvenience of a raging wildfire.

The blaze, which has been tearing through the hills of Malibu with a vengeance, has reportedly disrupted the usual flow of business for those who allegedly partake in the most heinous of Hollywood’s dark secrets. “It’s chaos,” said an anonymous source, who claims to have insider knowledge of these “elitist” gatherings. “They had to postpone the ritual sacrifice because they couldn’t find a single child to terrorize this week. The smoke was just too thick!”

Local residents, more concerned about their million-dollar views than the moral fabric of the entertainment industry, have been seen evacuating their homes in designer pajamas and carrying their pet teacup Yorkies. Meanwhile, the less glamorous task of fighting fires has fallen to the brave firefighters, who, upon hearing of the satanic disruptions, reportedly chuckled through their masks, “Looks like Hell’s got nothing on Malibu right now.”

The Franklin Fire, with its Santa Ana winds fanning the flames, has been an equal opportunity disruptor. Even the most secretive tunnels and hidden chambers where these “elite” activities supposedly occur have been compromised. “The ventilation in the underground lairs isn’t what it used to be,” another insider quipped, “and when you’re in the business of dark rituals, you can’t just open a window!”

Pepperdine University, nearby the heart of the controversy, has had to focus on the more mundane task of evacuating students rather than on decoding the mysteries of Hollywood’s hidden underbelly. “We’re just trying to keep our students safe,” said a university spokesperson, adding with a wry smile, “though I’m sure some of our literature majors are already crafting conspiracy theories about the fire’s true purpose.”

In a twist of irony, the very elements that Hollywood often uses for dramatic effect in films—fire, chaos, and the end of the world—have now turned against them, exposing what some claim is the industry’s true face: one that’s not just about glitz and glamour but about the darkest of human vices.

As the fire continues to burn, one has to wonder if this might be a sign from above—or below, depending on your perspective. Perhaps it’s a cosmic reminder that even those who think they rule in shadows can be brought to light, or at least delayed by a good old-fashioned natural disaster. Either way, the Franklin Fire has inadvertently shone a light on Hollywood’s supposedly secret underbelly, proving that Mother Nature might just be the ultimate whistleblower.

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