In a ruling that has legal scholars scratching their heads and X users cackling into their keyboards, Judge Hugh Jassole of the 13th District Court of Absurdity declared the U.S. Constitution unconstitutional on Tuesday, effectively throwing the nation’s foundational document into a paper shredder of irony. The landmark decision, handed down after a heated debate over whether the Constitution’s vibes were “off,” has left politicians, patriots, and TikTok philosophers scrambling to figure out what happens next.

“It’s quite simple,” Judge Jassole explained from his bench, stroking a gavel he’d clearly bedazzled himself. “The Constitution claims to derive its authority from ‘We the People,’ but who gave ‘We the People’ permission to give permission? It’s a circular logic fallacy wrapped in parchment privilege. Ergo, it’s unconstitutional.”

Legal experts—well, the ones who didn’t immediately retire to a bar—say the ruling stemmed from a bizarre case involving a man who sued his neighbor’s flagpole for “emotional distress caused by excessive patriotism.” The plaintiff argued that the Constitution’s protection of free expression didn’t account for his right to not feel triggered by Old Glory flapping in the breeze. Jassole, seizing the moment, decided to go big and strike at the root.

The reaction was swift and unhinged. X lit up with posts ranging from “Finally, someone said it—the Constitution’s been sus since 1787” to “This judge just yeeted 250 years of law into the void.” One user, @FreedomEagle1776, wailed, “First they came for my guns, now they’re coming for my parchment vibes!” Meanwhile, a viral meme of James Madison facepalming captioned “Bro, I didn’t sign up for this” racked up millions of likes.

Politicians, predictably, lost their minds. Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) called it “a crisis of democracy,” though he admitted he wasn’t sure what that meant anymore. House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) vowed to “pass a law making the Constitution constitutional again,” only to realize mid-sentence that laws might not exist without it. President Biden, when asked for comment, mumbled something about “Corn Pop and the Federalist Papers” before wandering off to sniff a flag.

Constitutional scholars tried to weigh in but were drowned out by cable news pundits screaming over each other. “This is judicial activism on steroids!” shouted one Fox News anchor, while a CNN talking head countered, “No, it’s judicial liberation from colonial baggage!” MSNBC, still reeling from Joy Reid’s exit, ran a segment claiming the ruling was “systemic racism’s final checkmate,” though no one could explain how.

The practical fallout remains unclear. If the Constitution’s kaput, does the Bill of Rights still apply? Can Congress still meet, or is it just a fancy book club now? One enterprising lawyer has already filed a motion to dissolve the Supreme Court, arguing, “If the Constitution’s toast, you’re all just nine weirdos in robes.” The justices, reportedly, are too busy googling “what is law” to respond.

Citizens, meanwhile, are taking it in stride. In Texas, a militia declared their backyard a sovereign nation called “BBQtopia,” citing Jassole’s ruling as precedent. In California, a commune announced that all laws are now replaced with “vibes-based governance.” And in Florida, a man was spotted wrestling an alligator while yelling, “No Constitution, no rules, baby!”

Judge Jassole remains unfazed by the chaos. “I’ve liberated America from its own hypocrisy,” he said, sipping kombucha in his chambers. “Next, I’m coming for the Declaration of Independence—it’s way too needy with all that ‘pursuit of happiness’ nonsense.”

As the nation teeters on the edge of anarchy—or maybe just a really long group therapy session—X users continue to churn out takes. “If the Constitution’s unconstitutional, does that mean taxes are optional now?” one asked hopefully. Another replied, “Nah, the IRS will still find a way to garnish your soul.”

For now, America waits with bated breath—or at least a collective eye-roll—for someone to figure out if this is a crisis, a prank, or just Wednesday. One thing’s certain: the Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves so fast they could power a small grid. Stay tuned for updates, unless the First Amendment’s canceled too.

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