Germany is reeling from yet another wave of rogue automobiles careening into pedestrians, leaving a trail of chaos, crumpled fenders, and baffled officials who insist the cars—and not their drivers—are the real culprits. In a twist that’s raised more eyebrows than a Botox convention, authorities have doubled down on claims of “technical malfunctions,” even as one driver loudly confessed to jihadist intent—only to be politely ignored.

The latest incident erupted Wednesday in Frankfurt, where a sleek Opel Astra barreled into a crowd outside a sausage stand, sending bratwursts and bystanders flying. The driver, identified only as “Jihadi Jim,” leapt from the vehicle shouting, “No, I meant to kill the infidels! Allahu Akbar!” while waving a fist at the carnage. But German police, unflappable as ever, waved off his outburst. “We’ve determined this was a software glitch,” said Polizei spokesperson Klaus Weber, adjusting his cap with Teutonic calm. “The car acted alone. The driver’s statements are irrelevant.”

This marks the eighth such episode this month, following a string of vehicular mayhem from Stuttgart to Leipzig—including a Peugeot 308’s solo assault on a Christmas market and a Renault Clio’s unprovoked charge through a Hamburg bike lane. In each case, drivers with self-proclaimed jihadist motives have been sidelined by officials pinning the blame squarely on the machines. “These vehicles are clearly sentient and hostile,” Weber insisted, gesturing to a forensic report covered in coffee stains and redaction marks. “No human intent here—just bad code.”

CNN’s roundtable of pundits, fueled by espresso and existential dread, leapt into the fray with theories galore. Tech guru Sanjay Patel speculated that “AI overreach” had turned Germany’s cars into four-wheeled Terminators. “Maybe they’re radicalized by their own algorithms,” he said, peering over his laptop like a man expecting a sedan to crash through the set. Environmental expert Lila Green blamed “electromagnetic interference from solar flares,” while far-right commentator Brick Stone growled, “Sounds like Merkel’s immigrant cars are finally showing their true colors—except no one’s allowed to say it.”

The driver in Frankfurt, meanwhile, isn’t buying the official line. “I aimed for the crowd! I planned this for weeks!” Jihadi Jim bellowed from his holding cell, according to a leaked audio clip circulating on X. “The car didn’t do it—I did!” Authorities, however, remain steadfast. “He’s confused,” Weber countered. “The Opel’s navigation system clearly overrode his input. We’re looking into a recall.”

Social media is ablaze with reactions, from #CarJihad to #BlameTheBeamer. One viral post, captioned “When your car’s more extremist than you,” shows a grainy still of the Astra mid-rampage, racking up 82,000 likes. Another user tweeted, “Germany: where the police say ‘nice try’ to a terrorist and arrest the sedan instead.” A dashcam video of a Toyota Corolla swerving at a group of nuns has sparked heated debate: glitch or jihad? The consensus online: “Why not both?”

Carmakers like Opel and Volkswagen have issued statements promising “thorough investigations” and “software patches,” while quietly dispatching engineers to whisper sweet nothings to their rogue fleets. Pedestrians, meanwhile, are arming themselves with bike helmets and crossing streets like they’re auditioning for Frogger. “I don’t care who’s driving—Allah or Audi—I’m not taking chances,” said Frankfurt local Greta Schmidt, clutching a rosary and a tire iron.

CNN will keep digging into this automotive enigma, because if cars are framing their drivers, we need the scoop. Up next: “Is Your Hatchback Hiding a Manifesto?”—right after these messages.

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