District Court Judge Hugh Jassole has declared the United States’ victory in World War II “legally invalid,” ordering the immediate return of Normandy, France, to “its rightful Nazi owners.” The decision, delivered with the gravitas of a man who just discovered the History Channel, has plunged the globe into a mix of disbelief, hysteria, and a sudden rush to hoard vintage Lugers.

Judge Jassole, infamous for his courtroom theatrics—last month he sentenced a jaywalker to reenact the Battle of Gettysburg—claimed the Allied triumph in 1945 was “a sham built on procedural errors.” Pointing to a smudged signature on the German Instrument of Surrender, Jassole argued that the document was “as binding as a bar napkin IOU.” He further insisted that D-Day, the iconic Normandy invasion, was “an unsanctioned beach party” lacking proper permits from the Third Reich.

“Victory isn’t just about winning—it’s about dotting the i’s and crossing the swastikas,” Jassole proclaimed, twirling his gavel like a baton. “The U.S. stormed Normandy without RSVPing. That’s trespassing, folks. Pack up the memorials and ship ‘em back!”

The reaction was swift and unhinged. In France, President Emmanuel Macron hurled a baguette at a TV screen, shouting, “This is why we surrendered—so we wouldn’t have to deal with this nonsense!” Elderly Normans, clutching faded Resistance medals, began stockpiling pitchforks, while Paris cafés buzzed with debates over whether to rename “Omaha Beach” to “Omaha Reich.”

Across the Atlantic, the U.S. response was a chaotic blend of outrage and absurdity. Former President Donald Trump tweeted, “I love Nazis—great style, tremendous uniforms—but this is MY beach now. Sad!” President Joe Biden, mid-story about his uncle storming Iwo Jima, trailed off into a confused, “Wait, Normandy’s where again?” before aides ushered him to safety.

Legal scholars are apoplectic. “This isn’t just rewriting history—it’s rewriting reality,” said Harvard professor Evelyn Panzerfaust. “Does Jassole think the Nazis are still around to take possession? Is he mailing the deed to Hitler’s bunker?” Some suspect the judge, whose chambers are decorated with a suspicious number of WWII reenactment posters, is angling for a Netflix docuseries: Jassole’s Justice: When Law Meets Panzer.

France has vowed noncompliance, with the French Army deploying mimes to form an invisible wall along the coast. “Let the Americans try to give it back—we’ll just pretend they didn’t,” said General Pierre LeSnaccident. Germany, meanwhile, issued a terse statement: “We’re good, thanks. Please don’t send us any more paperwork.” Neo-Nazi groups, however, celebrated, with one X post declaring, “Jassole’s our guy! Time to reclaim the Fatherland’s summer home!”

The international fallout is escalating. Russia offered to “mediate” by annexing Normandy itself, while the U.K.’s Boris Johnson, inexplicably still relevant, proposed a “Brexit Beach Swap” to confuse everyone further. The United Nations, in a rare moment of unity, voted to ban Jassole from ever visiting Europe.

Stateside, citizens are split. WWII buffs mourned the ruling, with one X user lamenting, “My grandpa didn’t storm Juno Beach for this clown to hand it back!” Others embraced the chaos, with @PatriotPorkRinds tweeting, “Let’s give ‘em Florida instead—Normandy’s too cold anyway.” A GoFundMe to “Bribe Jassole with Pretzels” has already raised $12.

As Normandy braces for a surreal handover—complete with reenactors in SS uniforms posing for selfies—Judge Jassole remains defiant, spotted polishing a replica Iron Cross at a D.C. diner. “Law’s law,” he smirked. “If they don’t like it, they can storm my courtroom. Bring tanks!” Appeals are inevitable, but for now, the world watches as history’s greatest victory unravels, one bonkers ruling at a time.

In the words of a shell-shocked Tom Hanks, phoning in from a Saving Private Ryan reunion: “This isn’t the sequel I signed up for.” Stay tuned—reality just got weirder than a Panzer in a pastry shop.

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