In the quaint suburban town of Evergreen Meadows, local dad Greg Thompson has elevated frugality to a performance art—provided it’s his kids footing the bill. Known for his hawk-like vigilance over household electricity use, Greg has spent years perfecting his signature bellow: “Turn off the damn lights! Do you think I’m made of money?” Sources confirm, however, that the 47-year-old accountant has been quietly funneling those hard-saved pennies into a far nobler cause: losing it all in the stock market.

“It’s about responsibility,” Greg said, peering over his bifocals as he caught his 12-year-old daughter, Emma, leaving the bathroom light on for a scandalous 30 seconds. “We can’t just waste resources. That’s how you end up broke.” Unbeknownst to Emma, her father had just sunk $2,000 into a meme stock called “DoggyCoinX” after a hot tip from his buddy Dave at the golf course. The stock, naturally, tanked 87% by lunchtime.

Greg’s wife, Linda, has long since stopped asking about the family’s mysteriously shrinking savings account. “He’s got his system,” she said, rolling her eyes as she flipped off the kitchen lights Greg had left blazing during his midnight snack raid. “The kids get lectures about the electric bill, and I get to hear about how ‘this next trade is the big one.’ I think we’re one bad call away from him day-trading the mortgage.”

Neighbors report that Greg’s obsession with conserving electricity borders on the theatrical. “Last week, he stormed over because my porch light was on past 9 p.m.,” said Tom Jenkins, sipping coffee in the dark to avoid another lecture. “He said it was ‘irresponsible.’ Meanwhile, I saw him on his phone later, panic-selling some biotech stock that cratered because the CEO tweeted a poop emoji.”

Greg’s children—Emma, 15-year-old Ethan, and 8-year-old Sophie—have adapted to their father’s crusade with a mix of resignation and petty rebellion. Ethan admitted to leaving his gaming console on overnight “just to see if he’d notice before the Robinhood app crashed again.” Sophie, meanwhile, has taken to drawing cartoonish sketches of her dad as “Stock Market Santa,” showering Wall Street with the family’s light bulb money.

Financial experts are baffled by Greg’s strategy. “It’s a fascinating case,” said Dr. Evelyn Hart, a behavioral economist. “He’s hyper-rational about a $10 spike in the utility bill but treats the stock market like a Vegas slot machine. I’d love to study him—if he doesn’t bankrupt himself first.”

As of press time, Greg was spotted in his dimly lit garage, hunched over his laptop, muttering about “support levels” and “diamond hands.” Upstairs, Emma flipped on every light in the house, smirked, and whispered, “This one’s for you, DoggyCoin.” The electric meter spun gleefully, oblivious to its role in the Thompson family’s ongoing saga of fiscal irony.

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