Hospitals across the country have recently been inundated with patients injured by a new condition, intense virtue signalling trauma, or IVST.

“We’ve never seen anything like it,” Johns Peterkins of Nashville General Hospital explained. “We’ve had college kids in here with alcohol intoxication, anxiety issues, and even caffeine overdose, but injury from too much virtue signalling is new.”

And the problem is scary. Symptoms include dehydration, tired thumbs from Internet trolling, and PTSD-like-symptoms from live encounters with hetero-normative neofascist scum.

Vanderbilt student Nicole House is one of the patients taken in at Nashville General.

“I was walking down the street with three of my friends who are people of color heading to a wealth redistribution rally and this total white rapist creep homeless man asked if we had any change. And I almost vomited. I was so offended that someone would even think that I would give money to a white supremacist Nazi.”

Another patient in California, Billy O’Rourke, wore a “We’re Sorry” T-shirt as he limped into the ER with IVST symptoms. “I rode my bike here from Whole Foods after getting a Fair Trade kale smoothie with my African America friend Tony and a white homophobe in a Prius ran into me. I explained that the Prius still used gasoline and that he was raping the Earth and killing Muslim slaves by driving it.”

With more and more people stricken with the disease, it doesn’t seem like there’s an end to the suffering in sight.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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