In the grand tapestry of American politics, where every thread is either a dollar bill or a promise of one, I’ve had an epiphany that would make even the most seasoned cynic sit up and take notice. It’s time we revolutionize the very concept of who gets to shape our government. Billionaires like Elon Musk? Out. Their billions should be spent on space travel or curing their existential ennui. Instead, let’s usher in a new era where only those who’ve mastered the art of academia, specifically those with not one, not two, but three PhDs—and have never sullied their hands with what the rest of us call “productive work”—should have the sacred duty of influencing our government.

Now, let’s get this straight: I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill PhD holder, the ones who’ve maybe published a paper or two on the mating habits of the lesser-spotted owl. No, I’m talking about the elite, the cream of the academic crop who’ve spent decades in lecture halls and libraries, yet have never once stepped into the chaos of a real-world job. These are the people who understand the nuances of life, not from living it, but from theorizing about it at length.

Imagine the purity of policy-making if left to people like Dr. Dr. Dr. Ignatius P. Bookworm, who, despite his three doctorates in obscure fields like “The Philosophical Implications of Watching Paint Dry,” has never actually done something as vulgar as creating a product, running a business, or heck, even managing a lemonade stand. This is the kind of person you want crafting the laws of the land, right? Someone whose closest brush with “work” has been writing a thesis on the socio-economic impact of coffee breaks.

These academic titans, unburdened by the crude realities of making a profit or balancing a budget, would bring an unparalleled level of idealism and, let’s face it, impracticality to politics. They could dream up policies where everyone works four hours a week, using the other 164 hours for self-improvement or, more likely, further study. They’d see the world not as it is, but as it should be in their meticulously crafted dissertations.

Sure, some might argue that billionaires, with their real-world experience and, let’s be honest, their money, have a certain sway in understanding the mechanics of our economy. But who needs that when you have someone who can quote Foucault or Derrida on demand but couldn’t tell you how to change a tire or start a business to save their life?

So, as I see it, the path forward is clear. We must strip successful billionaires of their influence, not because they’ve done something wrong, but because they’ve done something too right. Their success, their understanding of the market, and their ability to create jobs or innovate? All overrated when you compare it to the pure, untested theories of our triple-PhD holding, never-employed-in-the-real-world scholars.

In conclusion, if you want a government that truly reflects the idealism of academia, join me in supporting this radical shift. And if you’re worried about funding for this new era of governance, don’t be. We can always have a bake sale—or better yet, write a grant proposal for one.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a U.S. Representative from New York, who occasionally wonders if her own educational path might have been a tad more productive had she focused on the practicalities of, say, fixing a leaky faucet.

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