Getting old sucks.

Achy bones, health issues, cable news, not producing for the state.

That isn’t a life I want. Nor is it one I want anyone else to have either.

Luckily, there is a solution to prevent aging.

Socialism.

Millions of men, women and children have never had to deal with the struggles of old age thanks to socialism. This proven system has stopped countless people from breaking their hips, stress over new wrinkles, or forget their grandchildren’s birthdays. The miracle of Marxism has eliminated those inconveniences and embarrassments all over the world for generations.

One of the most amazing things about socialism’s ability to prevent aging is that it can work multiple ways.  Some methods are more effective than others, but all are proven techniques to help millions of people evade crow’s feet.

Socialism’s top-down management of food distribution can stop millions of people from aging in just a few months, sometimes even weeks! Your comrades will thank you when they can fit into those old smaller clothes of theirs before committing to their eternal youth.

Socialism can even generate money for the state while helping reeducation camp participants avoid old age. These lucky workers will have the privilege of donating their free labor to the government during their remaining days of dwindling youth. Instead of consuming fattening butterscotch and jello, they’ll be nicely toned thanks to you.

Socialism’s increase in police presence is also great fun for the citizenry! When people “disappear” in the middle of the night, they’ll be happy to disappear from future back aches just from sleeping wrong.

If you think this anti-aging solution sounds too good to be true, you’ve been watching too much Fox News. Any negative side effects recorded through history were the result of not-real-socialism. The version we plan on implementing will be a huge success. There’s no way it could go wrong. We really mean it this time.

Get socialism by donating to your local Democratic Socialist chapter and volunteer to count election ballots now.

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