WASHINGTON, DC—Kevin McCarthy’s hopes were dashed this morning as he emerged from his office this morning, looked around and saw his shadow, indicating six more weeks of voting for Speaker of the House.

The event is based upon a communal light-hearted suspension of disbelief. It is organized by the “DC Inner Circle” – recognizable from their top hats and tuxedos – who ostensibly communicate with McCarthy to receive his prognostication. This suspension of disbelief extends to the assertion that the same congressman has been making predictions since the 19th century.

McCarthy has never been wrong in all his time predicting Speaker Votes.

The vice president of the Inner Circle prepares two scrolls in advance of the actual ceremony, one proclaiming six more weeks of winter and one proclaiming an early spring. At daybreak on January 5, “Knuxatawnee Kevin” awakens from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob, is helped to the top of the stump by his handlers, and purportedly explains to the president of the Inner Circle, in a language known as “Congressese”, whether he has seen his shadow.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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