BREAKING: New Zealand outlaws mass shootings

New Zealand is the first Western country to boldly ban mass shootings in all forms following a deadly massacre in Christchurch.

“Welp, we were so stupid for so long allowing mass shootings to happen. Now that we’ve outlawed them, that’ll solve the problem!” Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said.

Citizens around the world are applauding the move as brilliant and innovative.

“I really wish we had thought of it!” LaQueesha Merit of Alexandria, Virginia said while shoplifting from a local convenience store. “We could’ve prevented all the mass murders here from happening over the years.”

“People are wondering how to stop mass murder,” Vito Corleone of New York said during an illicit drug deal. “It’s like, duh! Say dey can’t do it no more! Poof, problem solved.”

Other countries have yet to catch on that simply outlawing something is going to prevent it from ever happening.

“We’re pretty much geniuses on the political front. Hopefully other countries will follow our lead,” Ardern said. “We would hate to be the only ones left in the civilized world.”