A Wisconsin man, known to friends and neighbors as the “bathroom tweeter” and who has posted detailed accounts of every meal he consumes, every phlegm-ridden illness he suffers, and every odoriferous bathroom experience he has now says he’s concerned about privacy after the presidential alert message was sent to all mobile devices in the country.
“I was just about to tweet about my recent gastrointestinal production when I received the alert,” Mr. Salmon said. “It horrified me. Is nothing sacred anymore?”
Mr. Salmon claims to have contracted PTSD from the incident.
College students across the country were also seen convulsing after the message was received.
One Ohio University student, who declined to be identified by name or by gender, said, “Our phones are supposed to be a safe space! We have a right to exist without the Cheeto in Chief invading our sacred realms.”
Despite the clear negative reaction, many millennials still could not look away from their phones and as a result, several suffered from brain aneurysms.
A New York woman protested the message, saying, “Who gave Donald J. Trump my number anyway?”