Washington, D.C. – The U.S.-China trade war reached a fever pitch this week as President Donald Trump announced a staggering 125% tariff on what he called “the most dangerous import of all”—the Chinese spy lovers of California Representative Eric Swalwell. The unprecedented move, unveiled during a fiery rally in Florida, is aimed at curbing what Trump described as “a national security crisis involving bad romance and worse espionage.”

“Eric Swalwell, folks, he’s got a lot of lovers—too many, if you ask me,” Trump bellowed to a roaring crowd, waving a stack of papers he claimed were “classified love letters.” “Some of them are from China, some of them are spies, and all of them are a threat to our great country. So I’m slapping a 125% tariff on every single one of them. We’re gonna make America safe again—and maybe get Eric to settle down!”

The tariff, which went into effect immediately, targets any individual romantically linked to Swalwell, past or present, with a particular focus on those with alleged ties to China. The move comes on the heels of a 2020 scandal involving Swalwell and a suspected Chinese spy named Fang Fang (also known as Christine Fang), who reportedly cultivated relationships with U.S. politicians as part of an intelligence operation. While Swalwell has denied any wrongdoing and cut ties with Fang, Trump seized on the controversy to escalate his trade war rhetoric.

“Fang Fang was just the beginning,” Trump claimed, mispronouncing her name as “Bang Bang” to the delight of his supporters. “We’ve got intel—great intel, the best—that Swalwell’s got a whole harem of foreign agents. I’m not saying they’re all Chinese, but let’s just say they’re not from Iowa. We’re taxing them, big league, until Eric proves he’s dating American!”

Swalwell, visibly flustered, fired back during a press conference on Capitol Hill. “This is absurd,” he snapped, adjusting his tie as reporters grilled him on his dating history. “I’m a single guy, I date who I want, and none of them are spies. Trump’s just trying to distract from his own trade war failures. A 125% tariff? On my love life? What’s next—taxing my Tinder swipes?”

The tariff has sown chaos in Swalwell’s personal life. Sources close to the congressman say several of his rumored paramours have already ghosted him, unwilling to pay the hefty fee to continue their dalliances. “I got a bill from Customs for $12,500 just for having dinner with Eric last month,” fumed one anonymous ex-lover, speaking via encrypted Zoom from an undisclosed location. “I thought it was a date, not a trade violation!”

Economists are scratching their heads over the logistics of the tariff. “How do you even enforce this?” asked Dr. Linda Wu, a trade policy expert at Stanford. “Are they going to station IRS agents outside Swalwell’s apartment with a clipboard, tallying up his dates? And what counts as a ‘lover’—a first date, a situationship, a flirty text? This is a legal nightmare, not to mention a privacy disaster.”

The White House, however, insists the tariff is airtight. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, visibly uncomfortable, read a prepared statement: “The President has identified a clear and present danger in Representative Swalwell’s romantic entanglements. All individuals entering the U.S. for the purpose of dating Eric Swalwell will be subject to a 125% tariff, payable upon arrival. Failure to comply will result in deportation—or a mandatory subscription to Trump’s new dating app, MAGA Match.”

Republicans on Capitol Hill have rallied behind the tariff, with some even calling for it to be expanded. “Why stop at Swalwell?” mused Senator Ted Cruz, stroking his beard. “I say we tax the lovers of every Democrat. Nancy Pelosi’s got that ice cream guy, right? Slap a tariff on him!” Meanwhile, Democrats have accused Trump of weaponizing the trade war for political revenge. “This is a new low, even for him,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “What’s next—tariffs on my abuela?”

As the tariff war rages on, Swalwell has reportedly retreated to a safe house—alone—to strategize his next move. “I’m not giving up on love,” he vowed, though sources say he’s switched to dating apps with a strict “U.S.-only” filter. Trump, meanwhile, is already eyeing his next target: rumor has it he’s drafting a tariff on “all of Adam Schiff’s eyebrows.” The trade war, it seems, is getting personal—and weirder by the day.

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