Don’t go fishing for a fight without this top-tier bait!
1. “I think it’s really funny how…”
This here’s a classic. Right off the bat, you want to let your audience know what a sarcastic douche you are. You want them to feel the smug sense of self-righteousness dripping off of each syllable.
2. “So let me get this straight…”
For those times you want to just strawman the crap out of your opposition. The cleverness is rooted in the fact that you say you’re going to get it straight while spending the rest of the rant twisting their argument in every way possible to validate your viewing them as the antichrist.
3. “THIS IS IMPORTANT”
No cry for help or attention can ever get the job done quite like cap locks. God knows your ideas can’t stand on their own, so make sure to reassure yourself and everyone else that the Buzzfeed article you shared is relevant and well-informed.
4. ” 🙂 FRIENDLY PSA 🙂 ”
I love the sweet smell of passive-aggressiveness in the morning. Riddled with unnecessary emojis, this template is the text manifestation of the plastic smile. Remember, this is a public service announcement, so you’re being a condescending douche as a FAVOR to THEM! So they better sit down like a good little boy/girl and let the ADULT explain why they’re so stupid.
5. “It’s 2019 people!”
Establish from the outset that your position is the “progressive” position by framing everyone else’s argument as primitive or outdated. That way, you can avoid outwardly stating that you have a more evolved brain than your knuckle-dragging dissenters. Who cares if you’re not making sense, you’re the future!
6. “Repeated phrase.” “Repeated phrase.” “Repeated phrase.” “Repeated phrase.” “Repeated phrase.”
Maybe they didn’t read it the first time. Maybe your social media followers have Alzheimer’s. In any case you want to repeat your opinion as many times as it takes to sound like a cultish chant. Sprinkle some clap emojis* in between words for some extra oomph!
*make sure clap emoji hands reflect your natural skin tone to avoid committing digital blackface
7. “I don’t usually make posts like this but…”
Woah, look out! The sage has broken the cacophony of the rabble to lay down some wisdom! You must have been really moved to make a status like this! Your opinion carries much greater weight because you don’t write about this topic 24/7. You’re the “centrist” who “tries to keep an open mind.” As a result, your allegiance grants major social brownie points AND credibility to whoever you side with, even if you’re totally wrong. Enjoy your 200 upvotes, 20 shares, and 50 comments!
8. “I’m going to post this then drop off…”
Grenade! You’re not really interested in civil discourse or hearing what other people have to say. You just wanted to see your comment section explode. Everyone may be arguing with each other, but they’re doing it on YOUR post! That makes you the star, even if you never respond to any of them.
Now get out there and spend countless hours arguing with people you haven’t spoken to since high school!