WASHINGTON, DC—In a groundbreaking shift in policy and rhetoric, President* Joe Biden announced today that walls, once seen as divisive and racist, have undergone a miraculous transformation and are now to be celebrated as “Inclusion Barriers.”

In a press conference that left many scratching their heads, President Biden explained his administration’s new stance on walls: “Folks, it’s a new era of unity and inclusion. We’ve had a change of heart, and we’ve realized that walls aren’t racist; they’re simply misunderstood. They don’t divide; they include.”

The President* went on to elaborate that these “Inclusion Barriers” would not just be used to keep people out but also to keep people in, ensuring that no one feels left out of the American experience. “We’re talking about a big, beautiful Inclusion Barrier along the Canadian border,” Biden excitedly declared. “It’ll keep Canadians from feeling neglected and ensure they get a taste of American freedom.”

Biden’s statement has ignited a wave of confusion, with political commentators and citizens alike trying to wrap their heads around this unexpected change of course. Some are calling it a breakthrough in inclusive politics, while others are simply baffled.

In response to concerns about the cost of building these Inclusion Barriers, the White House press secretary assured the public that the government had secured a lucrative sponsorship deal with a major construction company. “It’s all about public-private partnerships, folks. These Inclusion Barriers will be proudly brought to you by Wall-Mart,” she quipped.

The shift in narrative hasn’t been without its critics, however. Some are concerned that this new terminology may lead to a slew of misunderstandings, as homeowners begin to refer to their fences as “Inclusion Dividers.” Others are worried that the term could be applied to any situation where separation occurs, from prison cells to the checkout lines at grocery stores.

In any case, it seems Biden is determined to change the conversation around walls. Only time will tell whether the nation will fully embrace this new era of “Inclusion Barriers” or if it’s just another brick in the wall of political satire.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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