WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reversal of their usual rhetoric, President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have decided to stop taking credit for the U.S. economy just as the stock market takes a nosedive.

“We’ve been doing some soul-searching,” Biden told reporters at an impromptu press conference. “And we’ve come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, the President doesn’t actually control every aspect of this complex, global economy.”

Harris nodded vigorously beside him, adding, “It’s time we admit that when things go well, it’s not always because of us. And when things go poorly, well… have you considered blaming Congress?”

The abrupt change in messaging left pundits scrambling and late-night comedians salivating. As the Dow Jones continued its downward spiral, White House staffers were seen frantically shredding charts and graphs previously used to tout economic successes.

Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump wasted no time in claiming credit for the market downturn. “I built this economy so tremendously that even I couldn’t keep it up forever,” he posted on Truth Social.

Biden supporters, however, were quick to defend the pivot. “This is what real leadership looks like,” tweeted MSNBC host Rachel Maddow. “Taking credit when things are good and deftly sidestepping responsibility when they’re not. It’s a delicate balancing act.”

As the press conference continued, Biden waxed philosophical about the nature of economic systems. “You see, folks, the economy is like a bowl of oatmeal. Sometimes it’s hot, sometimes it’s cold, and sometimes it’s just right. Right now, it’s a little lumpy, and that’s okay.”

Critics from the opposition were less impressed. “This administration has been patting itself on the back for every uptick in the market while blaming others for every downturn,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “It’s like watching someone take credit for the sunrise and then blame the moon for the night.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Biden’s teleprompter malfunctioned, leaving the President momentarily speechless. Vice President Harris quickly stepped in, urging everyone to remain calm. “The President and I are fully committed to doing whatever it takes to ensure that we are no longer associated with the economic performance of this nation. Thank you.”

As reporters filed out, one could hear the distant sound of stock market tickers plummeting, a fitting soundtrack to the administration’s latest exercise in rhetorical acrobatics.

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