BREAKING: DOJ charges 2nd would-be Trump assassin with jaywalking and mostly-peacefully protesting without a permit
MAR-A-LAGO, FL The man who allegedly attempted to assassinate former President Donald Trump has been formally charged—not with attempted murder, but with jaywalking and “mostly-peacefully” protesting without a permit.
The suspect, identified as 58-year-old activist Ryan Routh, was apprehended near a Trump golf course after authorities say he made a failed attempt on Trump’s life using what can only be described as a poorly aimed AK47. However, it wasn’t his questionable assassination attempt that drew the ire of the law. Instead, prosecutors have slapped Fault with two serious infractions: crossing the street outside a designated crosswalk and protesting without the proper paperwork.
“We take these charges very seriously,” said a spokesperson for the local police department. “Jaywalking is a gateway crime. Today, it’s crossing the street unlawfully. Tomorrow, it’s overthrowing governments.”
When asked about the assassination attempt, authorities were quick to downplay the incident, characterizing Fault’s actions as part of a broader peaceful protest movement. “He was mostly peaceful,” confirmed Police Chief Woke, emphasizing that Fault’s attempt to launch a rock at the former president could be seen as “symbolic speech.”
Legal analysts are baffled by the peculiar charges. “It’s rare that attempted assassination is downgraded to jaywalking,” said legal expert Hugh Jassole. “But in today’s climate, anything is possible.”
In a statement, Trump’s legal team expressed confusion at the leniency. “I mean, the guy tried to kill me! You’d think that would be worth more than a $50 jaywalking fine,” Trump said at Mar-a-Lago. “I guess they’re saving the real punishment for my golf handicap.”
Fault’s legal defense team has already begun arguing that the protest was, in fact, an artistic expression aimed at exposing the societal impacts of crosswalks on climate change. “He wasn’t jaywalking; he was making a statement about the arbitrary constraints of man-made infrastructure. He also wasn’t trying to kill Trump, just sending a message to the patriarchy.”
As the trial looms, some in the media have started to refer to Fault as a hero, while others are wondering how long before he’s invited to headline a major cable news show. In the meantime, Trump has issued a statement thanking the jaywalking laws for being the true heroes of the day.
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