AUGUSTA, GA—In a deeply emotional press conference today, Vice President Kamala Harris addressed the people of North Carolina who are still reeling from the devastation left in the wake of Hurricane Helene. While she offered words of support and solidarity, residents were left somewhat confused when it became clear that financial assistance would not be coming their way. Instead, the Vice President proudly announced that $200 billion in disaster relief would be sent to Ukraine.

“To the brave people of North Carolina who have lost everything, we stand with you. We see you, we hear you, and we understand your pain,” Harris said, pausing dramatically. “Of course, FEMA’s disaster relief fund is unfortunately tapped out since it is funding the living expenses of millions of military-aged asylum seekers.”

The press corps, expecting some sort of compensation package for the devastated region, collectively gasped when Harris continued: “But in lieu of direct aid, we are happy to announce that we will be sending $200 billion to Ukraine in your name. It’s truly the least we can do. You’re welcome.”

“We know that you need money for housing, food, and rebuilding your infrastructure,” Harris added, nodding sympathetically. “But you can take comfort in knowing that, thanks to your sacrifice, we are able to continue our vital mission of making sure Ukraine’s border is secure. And that’s really what this is all about, isn’t it? Security.”

When asked about homes around the Ashville area, Harris smiled. “You know, I grew up in a middle class household. And I would have been honored to have a $200 billion donation made to Ukraine in my name.”

Asked if North Carolina could expect any assistance at all, Harris suggested that people could “think creatively” and “be part of a larger solution.” She encouraged displaced families to consider relocating to Ukraine for the time being, where, she hinted, some of the aid money might eventually trickle down to those who make the move.

“We’re all in this together,” Harris explained. “That’s why we’re sending the relief aid in your name. It’s like you’re contributing to global peace, one flooded basement at a time.”

Back in Washington, FEMA officials confirmed that the disaster relief fund would remain empty until further notice, though they did offer some consolation. “We can’t provide North Carolina with money,” a FEMA spokesperson said, “but we do have a surplus of ‘I Stand with Ukraine’ bumper stickers, which we’ll be distributing free of charge to all hurricane victims.”

Meanwhile, political analysts praised Harris for her “bold leadership” and “forward-thinking approach.” One commentator noted that diverting disaster relief funds to Ukraine “sets a powerful precedent that American citizens can feel proud of.”

“Sure, they may not have roofs over their heads,” he added, “but at least they’ll know they contributed to the global good.”

Back in North Carolina, residents were seen wading through waist-deep floodwaters, holding Ukrainian flags in an effort to embrace their new reality. As one displaced homeowner put it, “I guess I’ll just stand with Ukraine. I don’t have anywhere else to stand.”

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