In a shocking twist that has sent shockwaves through the political universe and possibly several foreign nations, former Wyoming congresswoman and war enthusiast Liz Cheney has endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris for the 2024 Presidential race. The endorsement came during a press conference that resembled a military briefing more than a political endorsement, complete with maps of the Middle East, a large red button labeled “Drone Strike,” and what appeared to be Dick Cheney in hologram form, nodding approvingly.

Standing in front of an oversized American flag (and possibly several hidden missiles), Cheney declared, “It’s time we bring bipartisan bomb-dropping back to the White House, and Kamala is the woman to do it. Sure, Joe’s done alright with a few airstrikes, but I know Kamala’s got the fire in her belly to take things to the next level.”

Cheney, who has made a name for herself by staunchly supporting a foreign policy that can best be described as “keep bombing until we run out of places to bomb,” went on to praise Harris for her sharp rhetorical skills, ability to cackle at the most inappropriate moments, and her steely gaze when talking about matters of “national security” (which, in Liz-speak, means bombing anyone who even remotely looks like they have oil).

“We’ve seen Kamala’s work at the border,” Cheney said with a wink, “and I can’t wait to see what she’ll do at other borders, especially those in countries that don’t even know what’s coming. It’s that level of surprise attack that I’ve been missing since Dad left the game. The woman understands that sometimes diplomacy is just too darn slow.”

Harris, who appeared next to Cheney via satellite from an undisclosed location (possibly planning her next round of sanctions or a particularly cutting tweet), seemed taken aback by the endorsement at first, but quickly recovered. “I’m honored to receive Liz’s support,” Harris said while subtly adjusting a pin on her lapel that may or may not have been shaped like a Predator drone. “We may not agree on everything, but we both know that America can’t afford to lose its edge when it comes to exporting democracy… at 30,000 feet.”

When asked by reporters about the unusual pairing, Cheney shot back, “Look, people think I’m some kind of warmonger. I’m not. I’m just a fan of… let’s call it assertive diplomacy — with a couple of F-16s thrown in. Kamala gets that. We might disagree on tax policy, healthcare, or whether or not my dad is a cyborg, but when it comes to projecting American power, we’re on the same page.”

Political analysts are stunned by this unexpected alliance, wondering if it represents a new bipartisan effort to unite America around its shared love of military-industrial complex spending. “This could be a watershed moment in American politics,” said Dr. Sheila Bombardier, an expert on geopolitical strategy and someone who has “absolutely no conflict of interest” regarding her 400 defense contractor stocks. “Finally, we’re seeing a candidate who can bridge the divide between establishment Republicans and establishment Democrats. Turns out all you need to do is throw a couple of wars in there and everyone’s happy.”

Meanwhile, critics of both Harris and Cheney have been quick to slam the endorsement. Bernie Sanders’ campaign issued a terse statement reading, “We were planning to say something here, but then our writers got too depressed.” Tucker Carlson, visibly shaken, told his viewers, “I knew the elites were bad, but I didn’t realize they were this strategically aligned.”

Not to be outdone, former President Donald Trump tweeted from his Mar-a-Lago command bunker, “Liz Cheney has lost her mind. Kamala is the worst! I dropped better bombs than either of them could ever dream of, believe me. SAD!”

In closing, Cheney declared, “With Kamala in office, I know we can get back to the real American values: boots on the ground, jets in the air, and a perpetual state of necessary conflict. She’s the future, folks — and I’m here for it.”

As the press conference wrapped up, a drone could be heard flying overhead, presumably on its way to deliver “democracy” somewhere, while Cheney and Harris shared a rare moment of bipartisan warmth — before turning to plan their next global strategy.

Stay tuned for more updates on this incredible political match made in… well, probably somewhere with a defense contract.

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