In a bold and forward-thinking move that has left disaster relief teams scrambling, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has announced that all vehicles delivering aid to victims of Hurricane Helene must be electric. “The planet is burning,” Buttigieg declared at a press conference, “and what better time to address climate change than in the midst of a humanitarian crisis?”

Rescue organizations expressed immediate concern. “We’re trying to deliver water, food, and medical supplies to people stranded in areas with no power, no functioning infrastructure, and in some cases, no roads,” said FEMA spokesperson Sarah Drydock. “But apparently, lugging diesel generators in electric cars is the future.”

Buttigieg dismissed these concerns, insisting that disaster zones are the perfect testing ground for America’s green transition. “Look, if we can get electric cars into hurricane-ravaged flood zones, we can get them anywhere,” he said proudly. “And those Teslas can float for, like, a few minutes, right?”

Critics argue that the mandate will slow down recovery efforts, but Buttigieg was undeterred. “Think of the carbon footprint we’re reducing by making the switch. Sure, people may be waiting a bit longer for clean drinking water, but they can rest assured knowing their saviors are arriving emissions-free.”

When asked how aid workers in remote, devastated areas would be able to recharge their electric vehicles without a reliable power grid, Buttigieg smiled serenely and replied, “We encourage them to explore the power of solar panels and wind energy. This is about resilience and innovation, not just plugging in.”

Reports have already surfaced of stalled Teslas and Rivians along key supply routes, waiting for portable chargers that are… being transported by diesel trucks.

“We’ve had to start towing some of the electric vehicles to their destinations with traditional gas-powered trucks,” said a Red Cross volunteer. “We call it the ‘Green Piggyback’ method. It’s really innovative when you think about it.”

Buttigieg remains optimistic, pointing out that the slow response is actually a feature, not a bug. “By delaying the immediate arrival of aid, we give local communities more time to develop their own solutions and adapt to the realities of climate change,” he explained. “It’s a win-win!”

Meanwhile, aid workers trapped in the flooded regions are reportedly now being trained on how to build solar-powered charging stations out of wreckage and driftwood. “We’re very excited about the potential for sustainable recovery efforts,” Buttigieg added. “If these people can survive a hurricane, they can certainly figure out how to charge an electric car in a flood.”

As the program rolls out, rumors are already circulating about plans to introduce electric helicopters for search and rescue missions, with Buttigieg promising that “it’ll only take four times as long, but the sky will thank us.”

Hurricane survivors, though still stranded and waiting for supplies, were reportedly relieved to hear their rescues would be so eco-friendly. “I haven’t eaten in three days, but at least I won’t feel guilty about the planet when help finally arrives,” said one victim. “Now, if only they could get here before the next hurricane hits.”

With the electric vehicle mandate in full swing, it seems the future of disaster relief is… slow, but sustainable. As Buttigieg put it, “In times of crisis, it’s important to think about the long-term impact. Sure, people need food and shelter, but what they really need is to know they’re being helped in the greenest way possible.”

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