Pope Francis has passed away, reportedly with a beaming smile on his face, mere hours after a private audience with U.S. Senator JD Vance. Vatican insiders claim the pontiff’s final words were, “I have seen the future of faith, and it wears a Carhartt jacket.”

The meeting, initially scheduled as a routine diplomatic courtesy, took an unexpected turn when Vance, the Ohio senator and author of Hillbilly Elegy, arrived at the Apostolic Palace armed with a dog-eared Bible, a thermos of Folgers coffee, and what witnesses described as “an aura of rugged, working-class charisma.” According to leaked Vatican documents, the two bonded instantly over their shared disdain for coastal elites and a mutual appreciation for the spiritual depth of Waffle House at 2 a.m.

“His Holiness was captivated,” said Cardinal Giuseppe Fancypants, who was present at the meeting. “When Senator Vance started riffing about the moral decay of urban decadence and the redemptive power of a good deer hunt, the Pope just kept nodding and muttering, ‘Sì, sì, this is the gospel of the rust belt!’”

The highlight of the encounter reportedly came when Vance gifted Pope Francis a signed copy of Hillbilly Elegy and a camouflage trucker hat embroidered with “Make Appalachia Holy Again.” In return, the Pope bestowed upon Vance an impromptu title: “The Hillbilly Saint,” a designation not seen since the Middle Ages, when St. Cletus the Barefoot was canonized for wrestling a bear in the name of Christ.

Vance’s team wasted no time capitalizing on the moment. Within hours, his X account posted a photo of the senator and the Pope fist-bumping, captioned: “Blessed by the Vicar of Christ to keep it real. #MAGA #VaticanVibes.” The post has since garnered 17 million likes and sparked a heated debate among theologians about whether “keeping it real” qualifies as a cardinal virtue.

Not everyone is thrilled. Progressive Catholics have decried the meeting as a betrayal of Francis’s legacy of social justice. “The Pope cozied up to a guy who thinks universal healthcare is a plot by artisanal cheese makers!” fumed Sister Mary Wokepants on X. Meanwhile, traditionalists are equally outraged, arguing that Vance’s lack of a formal theology degree disqualifies him from sainthood. “He’s not even Opus Dei!” roared one anonymous cardinal.

Conspiracy theorists, never ones to miss a party, have flooded X with claims that Vance’s charm was a psy-op orchestrated by Big Flannel to destabilize the Vatican. Others insist the Pope’s death was no accident, pointing to the suspicious presence of a Cracker Barrel to-go bag in the papal chambers.

As the College of Cardinals prepares for a conclave to elect a new pope, bookies are already taking bets on whether Vance himself might throw his hat in the ring. “He’s got the momentum,” said Luigi Gambino, a Vatican oddsmaker. “Plus, he’s promised to replace the Swiss Guard with a militia of volunteer deer hunters.”

In Ohio, Vance’s supporters are hailing the news as divine affirmation. At a rally in Dayton, attendees waved signs reading “JD: Anointed by Francis, Powered by Pabst.” One fan, sporting a beard that could house a small ecosystem, told reporters, “The Pope saw what we’ve known all along—JD’s the only guy who can save America and the Church from avocado toast and moral relativism.”

The Vatican has yet to release an official cause of death, though sources close to the Holy See suggest Francis simply “ascended in a state of pure joy” after hearing Vance’s plan to replace Vatican II with a new council focused on “family, faith, and firearms.” A state funeral is planned for next week, with Vance slated to deliver a eulogy titled “Elegy for a Pontiff: How Francis Found Salvation in the Heartland.”

As the world mourns, one thing is clear: the unlikely bromance between a South American pope and an Appalachian senator has left an indelible mark on history—and a whole lot of confused Catholics. Rest in peace, Pope Francis. May your soul find eternal rest at the heavenly Waffle House, where the hashbrowns are always scattered, smothered, and covered.

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