VATICAN CITY– In an unprecedented turn of events that has left the Catholic world reeling, the College of Cardinals has elected Joe Biden as the new Pope following a dramatic and highly suspicious surge of votes at 3 AM last night. The former U.S. President, now 82, emerged from the Sistine Chapel as Pope Joseph I, donning a large white mitre hat and laughing heartily as he waved to a stunned crowd in St. Peter’s Square.

The conclave, which had been deadlocked for days after Pope Francis announced his retirement due to health concerns, appeared to be heading toward a more traditional candidate—until the early hours of the morning. Sources within the Vatican report that at around 2:45 AM, Cardinal Giovanni Rossi of Milan was seen sprinting through the halls with a laptop, shouting, “The ballots are in! The ballots are in!” By 3:01 AM, a sudden influx of votes—rumored to have been delivered via a fleet of unmarked vans—tipped the scales overwhelmingly in Biden’s favor.

“It’s a miracle of modern democracy,” Cardinal Rossi declared, wiping sweat from his brow. “We were praying for guidance, and then, poof, millions of votes for Joe Biden appeared out of nowhere. Who are we to question the will of the Holy Spirit… or perhaps the postal service?”

The election has sparked outrage among conservative Catholics, who are calling for an investigation into the vote count. “This is highly irregular!” fumed Cardinal Raymond Burke, a vocal critic of progressive reforms. “Biden isn’t even a cardinal—or a priest! Last I checked, he was a politician who couldn’t name all Ten Commandments without a teleprompter. And what’s with the 3 AM vote dump? I smell a rat—or at least some leftover ballots from Pennsylvania.”

Supporters of Biden’s papacy, however, are hailing the decision as a bold step forward for the Church. “Joe brings a fresh perspective,” said Sister Mary Progressive of the Sisters of Perpetual Inclusivity. “He’s already promised to install ice cream dispensers in every cathedral and replace Latin Mass with folksy anecdotes about his time on Amtrak. Plus, his ability to nap through long ceremonies is a godsend.”

Biden’s acceptance speech was a mix of his signature gaffes and unexpected papal flair. “Look, folks, I’m honored to be your Pope, Jack,” he said, squinting into the crowd. “Corn Pop would be proud of me today. We’re gonna build back better—uh, I mean, pray back better! And to my good friend, Pope… uh… Frankie, I say, ‘C’mon, man, you did a heck of a job!’” He then broke into laughter, adjusting his mitre hat as it slipped over his eyes.

Vatican insiders report that Biden has already begun implementing changes, including replacing the Swiss Guard with Secret Service agents and swapping the traditional papal staff for a pair of aviator sunglasses. He’s also rumored to be working on an encyclical titled Amtrak Aeterna, which will reportedly outline the spiritual benefits of public transportation.

Critics, however, remain unconvinced. “This is a travesty,” said traditionalist blogger Pius McHardline. “The man can barely stay awake during a homily, and now he’s the Vicar of Christ? I bet he’ll try to replace the Eucharist with chocolate chip ice cream. And don’t get me started on the vote surge—everyone knows the Vatican doesn’t even have mail-in ballots!”

As conspiracy theories swirl, some are pointing fingers at outside forces. A leaked WhatsApp message from a cardinal in Argentina allegedly reads, “Tell Soros the plan worked. Biden’s in. Next step: replace holy water with Diet Coke.” The Vatican has dismissed these claims as “baseless,” but the controversy shows no signs of dying down.

For now, Pope Joseph I seems unfazed by the uproar. At his first papal audience, he was seen blessing a group of pilgrims while whispering, “You’re doing great, kid,” to a confused bishop. Whether his papacy will usher in a new era of reform or collapse under the weight of scandal remains to be seen. One thing’s for sure: the Catholic Church hasn’t seen a shake-up like this since the Reformation—and it’s only Day One.

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