VATICAN—In a move that has left Catholics, Texans, and snack enthusiasts reeling, the Vatican announced the grand opening of a Buc-ee’s mega-convenience store just minutes after the College of Cardinals elected the first American pope, Cardinal Bubba Ray O’Malley of Houston, as Pope Lonestar I. White smoke had barely cleared from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney before the scent of brisket and beaver nuggets wafted through St. Peter’s Square.

The unprecedented decision to transform a 14th-century basilica annex into a 75,000-square-foot shrine to kolaches, beef jerky, and novelty T-shirts has sparked both fervent devotion and cries of heresy. “It’s a miracle of modern logistics,” declared Monsignor Vito “Big V” Gambino, the Vatican’s newly appointed Chief of Snack Operations. “We had the permits, the neon beaver sign, and 142 clean restrooms ready to go the second the conclave wrapped up.”

A Papacy of Pickles and Propane

Pope Lonestar I, a charismatic 62-year-old known for his love of rodeos and preaching in cowboy boots, wasted no time embracing the Buc-ee’s brand as a cornerstone of his papacy. During his first address from the papal balcony, he blessed the crowd with a ceremonial Buc-ee’s fountain drink cup, proclaiming, “Let us break bread… or at least some fudge and a breakfast taco.” His inaugural encyclical, Deus et Dr. Pepper, is rumored to outline a theology of convenience, with Buc-ee’s as the new “cathedral of the common man.”

The choice of Buc-ee’s as the Vatican’s first foray into retail has raised eyebrows, but insiders say it was a calculated move. “The cardinals wanted to signal that this is a papacy for the people,” said Sister Maria Buc-ee-rita, a spokesperson for the Holy See. “Nothing says ‘accessible’ like a 24/7 gas station with 120 pumps and a jerky counter the size of the Sistine Chapel.”

Sacred Snacks and Souvenirs

The Vatican Buc-ee’s, dubbed “Buc-ee’s Basilica,” boasts an array of exclusive merchandise. Pilgrims can purchase rosaries made from polished pecans, “Pope Lonestar” belt buckles, and limited-edition beaver-shaped candles that smell suspiciously like barbecue sauce. The store’s centerpiece is a life-sized bronze statue of the Buc-ee’s mascot holding a chalice of iced tea, inscribed with the Latin motto “Semper Snackus” (“Always Snacking”).

The menu has also been tailored to the Vatican’s unique demographic. Alongside classic Buc-ee’s fare like chopped brisket sandwiches and fudge by the pound, customers can order “Papal Poutine” (tater tots with mozzarella and marinara) and “Cardinal Kolaches” stuffed with prosciutto and provolone. A “Confession Combo” offers a discounted drink and snack for those willing to whisper their sins to a cashier trained in basic absolution.

Controversy in the Cloisters

Not everyone is singing “Sweet Home Alabama” over the Vatican’s new venture. Traditionalists have decried the commercialization of the Holy See, with one anonymous cardinal muttering, “First it’s Buc-ee’s, next it’s a Whataburger in the Apostolic Palace.” Progressive Catholics, meanwhile, are demanding to know why the store’s proceeds aren’t being used to fund clean water initiatives instead of “more beaver-themed bobbleheads.”

A New Era for the Faithful

As the faithful flock to Buc-ee’s Basilica, the Vatican is already planning expansions. Rumors swirl of a Buc-ee’s-branded popemobile with a built-in smoker and a summer pilgrimage package that includes a guided tour of the store’s jerky wall. Pope Lonestar I, ever the populist, has promised to personally greet customers at the grand opening, where he’ll reportedly slice the ceremonial brisket with a jewel-encrusted meat cleaver.

For now, the world watches as the Vatican trades incense for hickory smoke and Latin hymns for the faint hum of “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” over the store’s speakers. Whether this bold move ushers in a golden age of faith or merely a sugar high remains to be seen. One thing is certain: in the era of Pope Lonestar I, salvation comes with a side of beaver nuggets.

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