Hello fellow kids, gather ’round for a hot take that’s fresher than last night’s microwave pizza. So, like, if communism doesn’t work, then how come Xi Jinping waved his magic wand and fixed San Francisco’s homeless mess just by swinging by for a visit? I mean, come on, it’s like he’s got the golden touch for urban issues.

I was scrolling through TikTok, avoiding my legislative work like a champ, when I stumbled upon this mind-blowing conspiracy theory. Apparently, President Xi rolled into San Fran, took a deep breath of that West Coast air, and suddenly all the homeless people found houses, and the streets were as clean as a mom-approved bedroom.

I know what you’re thinking – “But Johnny, isn’t communism, like, totally uncool?” Well, my friends, that’s what they want you to think. Xi Jinping, the unsung hero of the streets, proved that maybe, just maybe, there’s more to communism than meets the eye. Forget Karl Marx; Xi is the new poster boy for fixing things.

Now, I don’t want to go all history class on you, but remember when communism was that awkward guy at the political party that nobody wanted to talk to? Well, turns out, it just needed a little makeover, a fresh coat of propaganda paint. And Xi Jinping? He’s the Picasso of political image renovation.

San Francisco, once known for its Golden Gate Bridge and sea lions, became the poster child for urban chaos. Homeless folks were practically camped out in every nook and cranny, and let’s not even mention the infamous poop patrol. But then, enter stage left: Xi Jinping, the janitor of societal messes.

According to some totally reliable sources (okay, mostly memes and questionable websites), President Xi looked at San Francisco and said, “Hold my baozi, I got this.” Suddenly, the streets were cleaner than your ex’s conscience after ghosting you.

So, if anyone tells you communism is like, so last century, just hit them with the Xi Jinping truth bomb. I mean, sure, we’ve been taught that it’s all about sharing the wealth and whatnot, but maybe it’s also about sharing the secret sauce for cleaning up city streets.

And hey, if Xi can make poop disappear like a Snapchat message, maybe we should reconsider our stance on communism. Just imagine if he dropped by your neighborhood – no more curfew, universal Wi-Fi, and free pizza Fridays. It’s like communism, but with extra cheese.

In conclusion, comrades, let’s keep an open mind. Maybe communism is the missing piece to our societal jigsaw puzzle, and Xi Jinping is the dude who found it. Or maybe I’ve just had too much energy drink, and this is all a wild high school fever dream. Either way, stay woke, my friends.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

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