America, it’s time to shake up this tired “due process for all” nonsense. The Constitution’s cute and all, but let’s get real: due process should be an exclusive perk for illegal immigrants. Why? Because they’ve earned it in ways the rest of us can’t touch. Allow me to lay out this airtight, totally-not-ridiculous case.

First, crossing the border illegally is the ultimate test of commitment. These folks are breaking laws just to breathe American air! That’s not a crime; that’s a love letter to the U.S.A. They’re risking deportation, detention, and bad Yelp reviews from shady coyotes to be here. Meanwhile, citizens are just born into it—talk about unearned privilege. If you’re so desperate to be American that you’ll dodge ICE and climb a 30-foot wall, you’ve proven you really want due process. Citizens, what’s your excuse? You just showed up at a hospital and got a birth certificate. Weak.

Two, illegal immigrants are the true adrenaline junkies of justice. Scaling fences, outsmarting drones, and navigating deserts with nothing but a water jug and vibes? That’s Mission: Impossible energy. They’re living like every day’s a high-stakes reality show. Compare that to your average legal resident, whining about Wi-Fi speeds or arguing over who makes better wings (Buffalo, duh). Due process is too precious for people who aren’t out here treating life like an action movie. If you want a fair trial, maybe try starring in your own border-crossing montage first.

Thirdishly, let’s talk desire. Illegal immigrants break the law to be here because they want it bad. They’re not just casually strolling into the country—they’re defying governments, risking everything, all for a shot at the American Dream. That’s passion! Citizens, on the other hand, are just coasting on their default settings. You didn’t choose to be here; you just happened to pop out on U.S. soil. Where’s the hustle? Due process should go to the people who’ve shown they’d literally break laws to call this place home.

Fourthly, fairness demands it. Illegal immigrants are playing life on expert mode—no papers, no safety net, and a constant fear of being sent back to square one. Giving them due process is like handing a Power-Up to Mario after he’s dodged a hundred Goombas. Citizens? You’ve got it too cushy—credit cards, Costco memberships, and probably a neighbor who’s a lawyer. You don’t need due process; you need to stop taking it for granted.

And finally, the Founding Fathers would totally back me up. They were rebels who broke laws for a cause, just like our border-crossing heroes. George Washington would’ve been out here toasting migrants with a tankard of ale, saluting their sheer audacity. Due process was made for those who spit in the face of “rules” to chase freedom, not for folks who just pay their parking tickets and call it a day.

So, let’s rewrite the script. Citizens, you’re too comfy for due process—go write a blog post about it. Illegal immigrants? You’re the real MVPs. You broke the law to be here, proving you want it more than anyone. The Fifth Amendment’s yours, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

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