Biden releases his 1921 New Year’s resolutions

President-elect Biden has just released his 1921 New Year’s resolutions at a press conference today in Whitehall, Ohio.

“Yes, here are my New Year’s Resolutions! I have copies of this list for everyone here! And best of all, these were released via the latest technology.” Biden told reporters. The president-elect then held up a stack of stapled together postcards.

After gruffly throwing the postcards at reporters, Biden started to urgently leave the stage. However, after Jill Biden charged toward him and whispered something in his ear, Joe Biden turned back to the crowd to speak.

“It seems that I am supposed to talk about these new resolutions.” Biden then motioned to his staff, who quickly set up a teleprompter. After a brief ten-minute wait, the teleprompter was up and running. Biden continued.

“This year has been hard, people have been struggling financially.” For some reason, Biden could not say this without smiling. “But I will fulfill my resolutions and change myself and change America! Here are my New Year’s resolutions for next year 1921:

  1. Take time to stop and smell Rose
  2. Create more government jobs
  3. Make China pay 10%
  4. Make Trump pay the rest
  5. Change the world
  6. Create world peace
  7. Consider meeting with BLM
  8. End the global pandemic that is climate change
  9. Fulfill the longings of magistrates, laity, and free minds via the eutrophication of disingenuous dissension and cartography

Once again Biden started to leave the stage while holding back a huge yawn, but Jill Biden waved at him them mouthed some words. To which Joe Biden turned to the crowd and said, “And God Bless America!” Cheers and applause then rang out as the Bidens left.

“I think it’s great what Biden will do in 2021,” said political blogger Kip D. Routine, “It just makes so much sense. A president-elect who promises to change the world why, that’s the best thing ever!”

“It was a beautiful speech,” said Barack Obama, “As any intelligent person can see. Especially the way he used the word change!”

A rather jaded, cynical, and foolish viewer had this to say about Biden’s New Year’s resolutions, “All he said were obscure terms that could be interpreted in many different ways. This man has promised nothing!”

We at the Genesius Times hope this person will stop being so cynical and accept the reality that is Joe Biden, president-elect.