BREAKING: 1.3 billion people attend Kamala Harris rally in Fauxitawnee, Pennsylvania
FAUXITAWNEE, PA — In what can only be described as the most monumental event in human history, a staggering 1.3 billion people allegedly gathered in the small town of Fauxitawnee, Pennsylvania, to attend a rally for Vice President Kamala Harris. This record-breaking turnout not only eclipsed the population of the entire United States but also managed to exceed the population of the entire Western Hemisphere.
The event, held in Fauxitawnee’s newly constructed 5,000-seat stadium, saw crowds spilling over into neighboring states, with reports of enthusiastic Harris supporters camping out as far away as Ohio and Virginia. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Mayor Grady Hoggs, who was visibly stunned by the influx of visitors. “We had to convert every backyard into makeshift campgrounds. My own lawn is currently housing around 400,000 people, and they all brought their own Kamala-themed tents and pre-filled ballots.”
Attendees arrived by every means imaginable, including cars, buses, planes, trains, boats, bicycles, and even hot air balloons. Local authorities estimated that the line to get into the event stretched across state lines, with some hopeful attendees waiting up to three days just to catch a glimpse of the Vice President. “I got here from Argentina on foot,” said Maria Gonzalez, a devoted Harris fan. “I just knew I had to be here. It’s not every day you get to witness history.”
The rally itself was nothing short of spectacular. Harris, donning her signature Converse sneakers and a blazer, delivered a speech that electrified the crowd—or at least those close enough to actually hear it. “We are at a pivotal moment in our nation’s history,” she declared to deafening applause. “It’s time to build back better, not just for America, but for the entire universe!”
Reports from local Fauxitawnee news outlets indicate that Harris’s rally speech was broadcast to planets in distant galaxies, further bolstering the rally’s attendance figures to 1.3 billion and counting. “Kamala’s words are unburdened by time and space,” said a Harris campaign spokesperson. “Her message of hope, equality, and slightly incoherent rhetoric resonates with all forms of life.”
The logistical challenges of accommodating such a massive crowd were not lost on the local government. “We’ve had to institute a rationing system for water and snacks,” Mayor Hoggs explained. “But the people don’t seem to mind. They’re just so thrilled to be in the presence of greatness.”
Despite the unprecedented turnout, some skeptics have questioned the accuracy of the attendance figures. “There’s no way Fauxitawnee could handle more than a few thousand people, let alone billions,” said a local resident who preferred to remain anonymous. “I think someone might be fudging the numbers a bit.”
However, the Harris campaign quickly dismissed these doubts, pointing to their newly developed “Infinite Voter Registration” technology, which they claim allows them to count “every possible person, past, present, and future,” in their attendance figures. “We’re counting not just those who are physically present, but also those who are with us in spirit,” said the campaign spokesperson. “We also included those who might attend a Harris rally in their dreams or in alternate dimensions.”
As the rally drew to a close, Harris expressed her gratitude to the crowd, promising to continue fighting for a brighter future. “Together, we can achieve anything,” she said, to wild cheers. “Even if that means gathering the entire population of the planet—and beyond—in a tiny town in Pennsylvania.”
As of press time, local officials were still working to clear the massive crowds, with some reports indicating that Harris’s rally may have inadvertently created a new, albeit temporary, mega-city within the heart of Pennsylvania. “We might need to start issuing passports,” joked Mayor Hoggs. “But hey, at least Fauxitawnee is finally on the map.”
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