CHICAGO—A 17-year-old political enthusiast at the Democratic National Convention was left in utter dismay after discovering that his long-lost father is none other than Minnesota Governor Tim Walz. The young man stood up and cried for a half hour after it was announced.

“I’ve spent my whole life wondering who my dad could be,” said the teen. “But I never in my wildest nightmares thought it would be… him.”

The revelation came during Tim Walz’s VP nomination acceptance speech in which he declared that he had fathered the child.

“Tim Walz? Seriously?” the teen exclaimed, his voice quivering with disbelief. “The loser who used to sponsor the gay-straight alliance? The guy who ruined people’s lives during COVID? The guy that took credit for serving in Iraq when he never did? Tampon Tim??!?1 That’s who I’m supposed to look up to?”

Attendees reported that the young man’s reaction was immediate and visceral. “He just kept repeating, ‘Not Tim Walz, not Tim Walz,’ over and over,” said one witness. “It was like he was living a real-life horror movie.”

The young man, who had been an active volunteer in progressive causes, admitted that he now questions everything he stands for. “I hate myself now,” he said, tears welling up in his eyes. “How am I supposed to face my friends when they find out my dad is the guy who couldn’t even handle a pandemic without locking himself in the governor’s mansion?”

Efforts to reach Governor Walz for comment were met with the same level of enthusiasm he typically brings to a press conference—none at all.

As for the teen, he’s considering his options. “Maybe I’ll change my name, or move to Canada. Or better yet, become a Republican just to spite him. Anything to distance myself from this weak-ass legacy.”

The DNC has offered the young man free counseling and a lifetime supply of bumper stickers reading “I’m Not Related to Tim Walz,” but it remains to be seen whether he’ll ever recover from this devastating discovery.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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