BREAKING: After seeing border crisis first hand in Texas, Biden promises to send $20B more to secure Ukraine’s border

EL PASO—President* Joe Biden walked a muddy stretch of the U.S.-Mexico border and inspected a busy port of entry Sunday on his first trip to the region after two years in office, a visit shadowed by the fraught politics of immigration as Republicans blame him for record numbers of migrants crossing into the country.

After witnessing the border crisis first hand, Biden promised to send $20 billion more to secure Ukraine’s border.

“The Southern US border is an absolute disaster and I vow to fix it by sending as much aid as I can to Ukraine,” Biden said at a press conference at the border.

The president, flanked by bewildered staff who seemed to be hastily Googling the geography of Eastern Europe, went on to outline his vision for a secure and prosperous Ukraine.

“We’re talking moats, high-tech surveillance, maybe even some state-of-the-art catapults. We want to make sure our friends in Ukraine feel as safe as possible,” Biden declared, raising eyebrows among both domestic and international observers.

His last stop was the El Paso County Migrant Services Center — but there were no migrants in sight. As he learned about the services offered there, he asked an aid worker, “If I could wave the wand, what should I do?” The answer was not audible but Biden took it to mean that he should spend even more taxpayer money in Ukraine.

“Does this place have any ice cream? Where can I find an ice cream cone in El Paso?” Biden was overheard saying on his way out of the center.

Critics were quick to question the move, wondering if perhaps the president had confused the Rio Grande with the Dnieper River. Nevertheless, the Biden administration remained steadfast in its commitment to securing the Ukrainian border.

The $20 billion earmarked for this endeavor raised eyebrows, especially considering the ongoing domestic issues like inflation, supply chain disruptions, and, well, that little matter of the southern border crisis.

When pressed on the seemingly misplaced priorities, Biden simply winked and said, “Look, securing borders is what I do. Whether it’s Texas, Ukraine, or even Narnia, I’m here to make borders great again.”

As the nation grapples with this unexpected twist in Biden’s border saga, one can’t help but marvel at the president’s uncanny ability to pivot from one border crisis to another with the agility of a geopolitical gymnast. Stay tuned for more budgetary gymnastics in the world of satirical reality.

Originally published January 9, 2023.


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