BREAKING: Bondi Promises to Make Up for Not Releasing Epstein Files by Not Releasing Obama Files
Washington, D.C. — U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Monday that she plans to make amends for her failure to release the long-promised Jeffrey Epstein files by promising—just as confidently—to release a new set of explosive documents related to former President Barack Obama, which she also has no plans to release.
At a Department of Justice press briefing, Bondi stated, “Yes, we may not have delivered on the Epstein files, despite years of teasing them on every news network and podcast with a functioning Wi-Fi signal. But now, we’re pivoting to something even bigger: the Obama files. They’re real. They’re devastating. They’re just not ready. But they will be. Someday. Maybe.”
Bondi, who was appointed Attorney General at the start of President Donald J. Trump’s third term—popularly known as “Trump 47”—has made headlines for her frequent televised declarations that she is “days away” from revealing bombshell evidence. So far, the evidence has remained classified, sealed, missing, or metaphorical.
“This time is different,” Bondi insisted. “These files contain everything. Emails. Travel records. Probably handwritten notes in radical penmanship. The American people deserve to know… that we’re still looking at it.”
Despite mounting pressure, Bondi declined to provide a timeline or even confirm the existence of the Obama files. When asked directly by a reporter whether the files were real, she replied, “That’s the thing about files — the mystery is part of the magic.”
Critics in both parties have expressed frustration at the repeated cycle of high-profile promises followed by total inaction. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called the move “a transparent attempt to deflect attention from a non-existent Epstein list by inventing a non-existent Obama list.” House Republicans, however, rallied behind Bondi, with Rep. Clayden Rawls (R-TX) declaring, “I don’t need to see the files. I believe in the files.”
Bondi was supported by White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who appeared at the briefing stating, “The Department of Justice is committed to the American people’s right to speculate. These files will be released the moment the narrative conditions are optimal.”
When reminded that during Trump’s first presidency, his own DOJ declared Epstein “had no clients” and the matter was closed, Bondi replied, “That was then. This is now. Back then, we were covering up different things.”
According to insiders, should public enthusiasm for the Obama files diminish, Bondi is prepared to transition to teasing the “real 9/11 files,” the “truth about Area 51,” or a new classified report suggesting Eleanor Roosevelt was the original mastermind behind TikTok.
At press time, the Department of Justice had begun printing limited edition commemorative “Coming Soon: The Obama Files” posters, available for sale in the Trump Presidential Library gift shop.
About Author
