GERMANY—A car, seemingly driven by the spirit of Christmas itself, embarked on a “mostly peaceful” journey through the Magdeburg Christmas market, leaving behind five tragic deaths and twenty individuals in need of hospital care on this otherwise festive Friday evening.

The vehicle apparently just wanted to be a part of the celebration, was described by witnesses as “navigating the market with the grace of a Christmas sleigh,” albeit with less regard for human life.

Eyewitness accounts painted a surreal picture: “It was like watching Santa’s sleigh, if Santa had decided to take a detour through a crowded market at high speed,” said one bystander, who was sipping on Glühwein when the incident unfolded. “I thought it was part of the show!”

Authorities, while initially baffled, quickly apprehended Al Abdulmohsen, who, according to preliminary reports, might have been inspired by an overzealous interpretation of “driving home for Christmas.”

CNN’s analysis suggests this could be a new trend in holiday celebrations – the “Drive-Thru Christmas Market Experience,” though we strongly advise against trying this at home or anywhere else with living, breathing humans.

In response to this event, security at Christmas markets across Germany has been ramped up, with officials now considering implementing speed bumps and mandatory breathalyzer tests for anyone attempting to park in the vicinity of holiday decorations.

Chancellor Olaf Scholz, in a statement that could only be described as measured, said, “This is a tragic reminder that not all holiday miracles are meant to be.” He praised the emergency services for their rapid response, which some have likened to elves working overtime in Santa’s workshop.

The community of Magdeburg, now mourning instead of merry, has seen an unusual spike in sales of “I Survived the Magdeburg Christmas Market Incident” t-shirts, which have become a grim new holiday souvenir.

As we continue to cover this story, CNN will delve deeper into the psychological impact of such “celebratory” vehicular adventures on holiday traditions. Stay tuned as we explore whether this incident might lead to a new trend in holiday safety measures or if it’s just an isolated case of someone taking “jingle all the way” too literally.

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