In a move that has left hurricane victims across North Carolina both confused and sticky-handed, Vice President Kamala Harris announced that, instead of financial aid, all survivors of Hurricane Helene would be receiving complimentary memberships to the prestigious Jelly of the Month Club.

“People keep asking what the federal government is going to do for the victims of Hurricane Helene,” said Harris at a press conference while holding a small jar of rhubarb marmalade. “And I thought, what better way to show solidarity than by giving them something they can really use? Everyone loves jelly!”

The announcement came after growing criticism of the administration’s decision to divert $200 billion in disaster relief funds to Ukraine, leaving North Carolina residents high and dry—well, except for all the flooding.

Harris, however, was quick to reassure citizens that the Jelly of the Month Club is “the gift that keeps on giving.”

“Every month, you’ll receive a new, exciting flavor delivered right to your FEMA tent or whatever form of temporary housing you’ve managed to find,” she explained. “From boysenberry to elderflower, this is what healing looks like, people!”

Reporters were visibly baffled, with one local news anchor from Wilmington blurting out, “But we need money for rebuilding! People are homeless!”

Harris, unfazed, smiled brightly and responded, “Exactly! And think about it: while you’re rebuilding, wouldn’t it be nice to have a delightful spread on your bread? Imagine the joy of smearing a fine quince jelly on your FEMA-issued crackers while waiting for construction to begin. It’s about creating moments of happiness in times of need.”

A FEMA official, when asked for comment, added that while funds are tight, they’re “exploring creative options” to provide additional support to disaster victims, including offering a “Jam-Making Kit” to those still without running water or electricity.

Critics have already begun calling the initiative “tone-deaf,” but Harris stood by the decision. “You know, when my family went through hard times, we didn’t always have the things we wanted either,” she reflected. “But what we did have was a good peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And that kept us going.”

Several prominent Democrats defended the plan, with Speaker of the House Hakeem Jeffries calling it “a bold reimagining of disaster relief.” He went on to say, “In these times, we must think outside the box—or in this case, inside the jar.”

Meanwhile, across North Carolina, flood-ravaged residents were seen cautiously opening their first shipments of jelly, with many expressing confusion.

“I’ve lost everything, my house is underwater, but now I have gooseberry preserves,” said one Wilmington resident, holding up a jar. “I guess I can spread it on the soggy bread FEMA gave us?”

Another hurricane survivor was overheard saying, “I don’t know how to make this into a roof for my house, but I guess it’s better than nothing. Sort of.”

In an effort to clarify the program’s long-term impact, Harris hinted that future disaster victims might also receive subscriptions to Fruitcake of the Month or, for the extra needy, the Assorted Condiment Basket.

“Remember,” Harris concluded, “Jelly is like the yellow school bus. Who doesn’t love a yellow school bus? So, let’s all enjoy some sweet relief and stop complaining.”

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