WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning press conference today, Kamala Harris took to the White House podium and categorically denied what she called “dangerous disinformation” suggesting that she is, or ever was, Joe Biden’s Vice President—or that she has anything to do with Joe Biden at all.

“These baseless rumors are simply not true,” Harris declared, shaking her head in disbelief. “Let me be perfectly clear: I have never served as Vice President of the United States under Joe Biden. In fact, I don’t even know the guy that well. We’ve maybe crossed paths at a couple of work functions, but that’s it. I have nothing to do with him.”

When pressed about the numerous public appearances and speeches where she was clearly introduced as the Vice President, Harris scoffed, “You really can’t believe everything you see on TV or the internet. Those could easily be look-alikes, or maybe I was just in the wrong place at the right time. I tend to wander into these events by accident.”

Harris went on to assert that any suggestion of a close working relationship with Biden was part of a broader conspiracy to mislead the public. “I can’t even recall the last time we were in the same room together,” she insisted. “And if we were, it was probably just a coincidence. There’s no real connection.”

When a journalist mentioned the countless photos, videos, and official documents proving their political partnership, Harris waved them off. “Deepfakes, Photoshop, CGI—these things exist for a reason, people. Let’s not be naive,” she said, adding that “even Wikipedia can’t be trusted these days.”

Harris was also quick to distance herself from the administration’s policies, claiming, “Look, I have my own thing going on. Whatever decisions are being made in that White House, that’s got nothing to do with me. I’m just as surprised as you are when I hear about them.”

As reporters struggled to reconcile Harris’s statements with the past few years of reality, the Vice President—sorry, the person who is definitely not the Vice President—offered a reassuring message to the American people: “You should really stop worrying about who the Vice President is, and start focusing on more important things, like who’s really behind all of this. But I’m not saying anything about that, either.”

In a final twist, Harris left the podium and, upon exiting the room, was spotted getting into a black SUV with presidential insignia. When asked about the vehicle, she turned and quipped, “Oh, this old thing? Just borrowing it for a friend. No big deal.”

The White House has yet to issue a statement in response to Harris’s comments, though an anonymous source close to Biden reportedly sighed and muttered, “I can’t believe we’re doing this again.”

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