Hot on the heals of the dual plagues of COVID-19 and the Asian murder hornets, Korean flamethrower squirrels have reached the US and have been devastating the country.

“We’re just having a really bad go of it,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Director Minka Verbose said. “Some states are still reeling from the coronavirus pandemic and people are worried about the murder hornets. They haven’t seen anything yet.”

The flamethrower squirrels have been active mainly in California and Washington cities, but some have been seen as far East as Iowa.

The CDC Sciuridae experts have warned that if you see a flamethrower squirrel to not approach it because it may burn your face off.

President* Biden just shook his head and refused to comment when he heard about the new invasion.

Several governors across the country have mandated that citizens wear flame-retardant fire suits for anyone venturing out of doors.

“We must be safe in these unprecedented times,” Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer said. “Anyone caught outside without fire suits on top of their beekeeper suits to protect against murder hornets will be beaten and thrown in jail to protect them.”

_{Originally published May 13, 2020.}

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