WASHINGTON, DC—In an astonishing display of fashion defiance, Representative Lauren Boebert of Colorado stunned her colleagues and the nation by donning a string bikini on the floor of the United States House of Representatives. Her audacious choice of attire was a direct challenge to the newly implemented congressional dress code, which she claims is designed to “accommodate the braindead slobs who can’t dress themselves,” most likely referring to uber-casual John Fetterman.
Boebert’s entrance into the House chamber in the revealing swimwear left many lawmakers speechless, while others hurriedly averted their eyes or discreetly adjusted their eyeglasses to ensure they were seeing correctly.
The controversial congresswoman defended her fashion statement in a fiery speech. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here today to test the limits of this so-called dress code. If we’re going to accommodate the slobs, then why not those of us who appreciate the finer things in life, like a good tan?” Boebert declared, gesturing to her barely-there bikini.
The new dress code, which was introduced to promote a more relaxed atmosphere in Congress, allows members to wear casual clothing, such as jeans and sneakers. However, it appears that Boebert took this newfound freedom to its extreme.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi was visibly flustered but managed to maintain her composure. “While we encourage a more comfortable and inclusive environment, we must also ensure that decorum is maintained,” Pelosi stated diplomatically. “We can’t be expected to flaunt all our goods for free on C-SPAN. That’s why I’ve set up my own OnlyFans account.”
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she would not be outdone. “This is a direct challenge to me and my rockin body. Tomorrow, I’m going to show up completely naked.”
As Boebert passionately argued her case, some members of Congress couldn’t help but admire her audacity, while others expressed concern that her outfit might set a precedent for even more eccentric attire on the House floor.
In response to the commotion, a spokesperson for the House Ethics Committee stated, “We will be reviewing the incident to determine whether Representative Boebert’s attire violated any established rules. We must balance individual expression with the decorum expected in the House chamber.”