BREAKING: Lizzo threatens to eat anyone who doesn’t vote for Kamala Harris
In an unexpected political move, Grammy-winning artist Lizzo announced that she will personally consume anyone who does not cast their vote for Kamala Harris in the upcoming election. The pop star delivered this ultimatum at a press conference, while simultaneously enjoying what she referred to as a “light snack” – a tower of pancakes layered with fried chicken and whipped cream.
“I’m tired of playing nice!” Lizzo exclaimed between bites. “If you’re not with Kamala, you’re on the menu. Plain and simple.”
The threat has sent shockwaves across both the political and culinary communities, with analysts scrambling to determine the legal implications of celebrity cannibalism. “We’re in uncharted territory,” said one legal expert. “I think this technically qualifies as both voter suppression and a new diet trend.”
Kamala Harris was quick to express her gratitude. “We need champions like Lizzo who understand what’s really at stake,” the Vice President said in a statement, adding, “And by ‘stake,’ I mean people, apparently.”
Some voters have expressed genuine fear. “She’s serious, isn’t she?” asked Tim Jenkins, a self-described undecided voter from Ohio. “This is the most motivation I’ve had to vote in years. I just don’t want to be on Lizzo’s plate.”
Lizzo has already begun promoting a new line of politically themed merchandise, including a bib with the slogan “Democracy Tastes Better with Hot Sauce” and an apron that reads “Don’t Make Me Hungry, Make Me Proud.”
Meanwhile, opponents of Harris’s campaign have urged Americans to “stay strong and marinate themselves defensively” in case Lizzo follows through on her threat.
Harris’s campaign advisers have neither confirmed nor denied whether Lizzo will accompany the VP on the campaign trail or merely lurk in restaurant kitchens nationwide.
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