WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development, health officials have traced the recent surge in monkeypox cases to a series of rallies hosted by the group “White Dudes For Harris,” a fringe political organization known for its fervent support of Vice President Kamala Harris.

The rallies, which have drawn dozens of the most committed—and curiously enthusiastic—white male Harris supporters, were intended to bolster her sagging poll numbers. However, they seem to have inadvertently unleashed a public health crisis instead.

“We’re not entirely surprised,” said Dr. Obi Wan of the CDC. “When you gather large groups of people in close proximity, especially when they’re chanting things like ‘Kamala is my Queen,’ and sticking their micro-penises in each other’s mouths, it’s a breeding ground for all sorts of viral outbreaks. In this case, it just happened to be monkeypox.”

The rallies, which featured passionate speeches, awkward dance routines, and questionable karaoke performances, have now become the epicenter of the latest monkeypox cluster. Videos from the events show attendees engaged in bizarre rituals, including one where participants slathered themselves in hand sanitizer before embracing each other with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for cult initiations.

One attendee, who asked to remain anonymous, described the atmosphere as “electric.” “It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced,” he said. “We were all there, united in our love for Kamala, and suddenly, I started to feel this weird rash spreading… I thought it was just an allergic reaction to all the excitement. Turns out it was something a bit more serious.”

Health officials are now scrambling to contain the outbreak, urging anyone who attended a “White Dudes For Harris” rally to self-isolate and seek medical attention immediately. Meanwhile, the group’s organizers are facing backlash for what some are calling “gross negligence.”

“We just wanted to show our support for Kamala,” said Chad McBro, the group’s founder, in a statement. “We had no idea that our rallies would become ground zero for a monkeypox outbreak. But hey, anything for our VP, right?”

The Vice President’s office has yet to comment on the situation, though sources say Harris is “deeply concerned” and has instructed her team to “figure out what monkeypox is” as quickly as possible. In the meantime, the “White Dudes For Harris” rallies have been indefinitely postponed, much to the relief of public health officials.

As the outbreak continues to spread, experts are left wondering if the cure for monkeypox might be simpler than expected: fewer rallies, and perhaps, a little more common sense.

About Author