BREAKING: Newsom signs bill requiring photo ID to criticize another bill that allows people to vote without photo ID
SACRAMENTO, CA—In a groundbreaking move designed to “protect the integrity of free speech,” California Governor Gavin Newsom has signed a new bill requiring anyone who wishes to criticize his latest voter reform law that allows people to vote without a valid photo ID.
“This is about balance,” Newsom said, standing in front of an American flag made entirely of kale. “You can vote without an ID, but if you’re going to complain about that, we need to know exactly who you are. It’s only fair.”
The new “Criticism ID Act” (CIDA) has sparked outrage among civil rights groups and common sense enthusiasts alike. Under the law, anyone attempting to publicly denounce the state’s controversial “No ID Voting Act” will be required to present a government-issued ID, two forms of proof of residency, and a signed note from a distant relative verifying they have the legal right to express an opinion.
“We can’t just let any old person speak up against this,” Newsom added. “There has to be a system in place to keep track of who’s dissenting. We don’t want people abusing free speech without proper documentation.”
Citizens quickly pointed out the obvious contradiction of requiring ID for speech but not for voting. “So, I can literally walk into a polling station, claim to be anyone, and cast a vote—no questions asked,” said San Diego resident Margaret Diaz. “But if I want to tell my neighbor that I think that’s stupid, I have to show three forms of ID and swear on my grandmother’s grave?”
“Exactly,” replied Newsom’s spokesperson, Justine Ovotel. “We believe in a streamlined voting process and a thoroughly vetted complaint process. Speaking out without proper ID could lead to misinformation, and we can’t have that. But, hey, vote away! No strings attached there.”
Critics were quick to point out the hilarity of the new law, but under CIDA, they’ll have to take their jokes directly to the DMV. Many were seen lining up for new driver’s licenses in order to legally criticize the DMV experience.
Opposition groups are scrambling to respond, although some have expressed confusion over whether they’ll need their new IDs to officially protest the law. “Can I tweet about this? Or do I need to get fingerprinted first?” asked one bewildered activist.
Governor Newsom dismissed the concerns, saying he’s proud of the balance he’s struck. “Voting is sacred,” he said, “and sacred things shouldn’t require paperwork. But free speech? That’s dangerous. We need checks and balances on that, and nothing says ‘balance’ like standing in line at the DMV.”
The governor concluded his press conference by encouraging Californians to “vote freely, speak carefully, and remember—if you don’t have the proper ID, keep your opinions to yourself.”
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