Cannibal Haitian Migrants Excited to Feast on Sanctuary City’s Liberal Cuisine

SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking twist of events, it appears that the recent surge of Haitian migrants heading for the United States isn’t just about seeking a better life. Many of these new arrivals are self-proclaimed “cannibals” eagerly looking forward to feasting on the ample supply of fat liberal women awaiting them in sanctuary cities.

According to sources close to the situation, these migrants have been practicing their culinary skills in preparation for their arrival in the land of plenty. One Haitian cannibal, speaking on condition of anonymity, boasted about their excitement to sample the “tender, juicy flesh” of the “liberal elite” who have been so welcoming to their cause.

“We’ve heard that these sanctuary cities are filled with fat, liberal women who are just waiting to be devoured,” the migrant said. “We can’t wait to sink our teeth into their soft, porous flesh and relish their succulent marrow.”

The Haitian cannibals have been studying various recipes to ensure they make the most of their newfound culinary paradise. One popular dish among the group is “Liberal Stew,” which includes a mix of hormone-rich tofu, vegan bacon, and organic, cage-free liberals.

While their dietary preferences may seem unusual, the Haitian cannibals insist that they are simply taking advantage of the abundant resources available in sanctuary cities. After all, they argue, it’s only fair that they get to enjoy the fruits of their labor – or in this case, the flesh of their liberal benefactors.

In response to the news, several sanctuary cities have begun implementing measures to protect their residents from these voracious appetites. Local authorities are advising fat liberal women to avoid dark alleys, wear sensible shoes, and carry pepper spray for self-defense.

However, some critics argue that the migrants’ culinary desires are a reflection of their true motives for coming to the United States. They claim that the Haitian cannibals are using their hunger as a cover for more nefarious intentions, such as infiltrating the country and spreading their insatiable appetite for destruction.

San Francisco offers a restaurant perfect for the hungry migrants called “Eat the Rich” where they can feast on the wealthy.

Despite these concerns, the Haitian cannibals remain undeterred. They are confident that their unique dietary preferences will help them assimilate into their new homes and find a welcome place in the diverse tapestry of American culture.

In the end, it seems that the United States will have to come to terms with the fact that not all migrants are coming for a better life – some are coming for a better meal. As one Haitian cannibal put it, “We’re just here for the food, and the liberal ladies are the main course.”


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